Halloween and Custody

Have you made arrangements with your ex yet for how Halloween will be handled this year?  If not, better get on it - Halloween is just around the corner.
Try not to view this as a situation for custody conflict.  Instead, try to view it from your kid's perspective -- an opportunity to get twice as much candy!  Keeping that in mind may help you work out this issue smoothly.  And face it, if you were a kid, wouldn't you want to trick-or-treat in two places instead of one?  Make this fun time work for your child.

How Is Your Child Doing in School After Divorce?

Whether you have been divorced a week or five years, take a moment to reflect on how your child's school year is going.  How are her grades?  Does he like school this year?  Does she have friends?  Is he participating in clubs and activities?  And as a parent, what is your child's happiness score?  Now think about how you might talk with your child and help him or her.  After divorce, a child can still be dealing with things, but not opening up to you about it.  A little intervention now can go a long way.

Holidays and Custody

It is mid-October.  Fall is in the air.  The leaves are changing.  You want to sip a cup of tea (or a glass of wine) on the deck and savor the moment.  NOT SO FAST!  Have you nailed down your holiday custody and visitation schedule in writing?  A big mistake many people make after divorce is not addressing the holiday schedule issue until right before the holidays.  Then it is often too late to avoid problems, as both parents may have made plans.  Take care of the holiday scheduling now, then enjoy that glass of wine.

School Issues and Divorce

Make sure you freely share information with your ex-spouse about your child's school events, both during and after your divorce, even if your ex can easily get this information on his or her own.  Why?  Because if your ex does not know about the event, he or she is not going to attend, and your child will be hurt.  As much as you don't want to spoon-feed information to your ex, I'm sure you don't want your child to feel the sadness of thinking one parent doesn't care about him or her.  And which one is more important - winning a battle or protecting your child from emotional pain?

Put Your Children First in Divorce

When you are going through divorce, step back and look at how your actions will affect your children.  They did not ask to be in this situation.  They have no control over the situation.  And the actions you and your spouse take now will impact their lives more than most anything else.  The children are the innocent victims.  Put their needs and interests first.

Divorce Court is Temporary - Consequences are Permanent

When going through divorce, keep this in mind - Divorce Court is Temporary - Consequences are Permanent.  Although it can be all-consuming and feel as though it will never end, your divorce is a temporary phase of your life.  It is very brief compared to the rest of your life.  Try to keep a long-term perspective and focus on how your actions during the divorce will impact the rest of your life, and your child's life.

Child Custody and School

When crafting your child custody schedule, keep in mind how the different transportation arrangements from the two different households will impact your child's school day.  Will he have to ride the bus instead of being picked up?  Will she have to discontinue participation in after school activities?  Will he have to get up much earlier in order to get to school from one parent's house?

Why Can't We All Just Get Along? & Divorce

To borrow the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"  Just because two people are getting a divorce, does not mean they have to be vicious and hateful to each other.  This is especially true if there are children involved.  Parents who create a toxic environment of fighting are selfishly ignoring the harm they inflict upon their children by doing so.

I Want A Divorce - What Do I Do First?

You have made the important decision - you want to file for divorce. Now what do you do? According to Margaret Klaw, you should meet with an experienced divorce lawyer for at least one hour.  Internet research is not a substitute for this.  Bring as much information as you can compile on your income, your debts and your assets.  Make a list of information about your children - their full legal names, dates of birth and social security numbers.  This is just the starting point, the first thing you should do.  After meeting with a divorce lawyer, you will then need to decide what you will do next.  This is a big change in your life, and should be approached carefully and with good advice.

To read Margaret Klaw's article, go to
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/29/how-to-divorce-how-do-i-f_n_1504192.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Bounce Back After Divorce

People often feel lost after divorce, wanting to move on and have new relationships, but not knowing how to meet people. The ways you met people before getting married have changed. You are no longer in college. You are no longer in the singles scene. You are busy raising the children from your marriage. You go to work and come home to take care of things grown-ups have to do. When are you going to meet people? And if you don't meet people, how are you going to find a new relationship?

Janis Spindel, of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking Inc has several ideas on how to kick-start your new life after divorce, and it does not involve hanging out in bars. She says to make new friends of your own gender, and go places with them. You will go to new places and meet new people in a more comfortable setting than going out by yourself to meet people.

Also, Janis suggests just opening up and talking to people. Talk to people in line with you at the DMV, people doing jury duty with you, people sitting next to you on airplanes. This is low risk, because if you find you can't stand the person, you are unlikely to have to ever see them again.

She suggests that women go to sporting events if they want to meet a specific type of guy, or "pretend shop" in the men's section at department stores. She throws out the idea of asking for directions to a restaurant or bar when out walking on the street.

These ideas might not be the right fit for everyone, but if you find one that appeals to you, why not give it a whirl? You deserve to be happy.

To read Janis Spindel's article, go to http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janis-spindel/life-after-divorce-how-to_b_1721766.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Settle Their Divorce Quickly - So Can You

All eyes have been on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for the last week, ever since it was reported that Katie had filed for divorce. Wild rumors swirled about Scientology and whether that was the reason behind the divorce. Other rumors focused on their daughter, Suri, and whether Katie was trying to protect the child from exposure to Scientology. Still other rumors have reported that under the prenuptial agreement, Katie will get $3 million for every year they were together, as well as their Montecito home, while others have countered that Katie will walk away with little more than she had before they married.

Those whose eyes were gleaming at the prospect of a knock-down, drag-out tabloid battle are whimpering in their corners now. Those who had sharpened their knives in preparation for the anticipated feast of scandal will have to be voyeurs in some other family's tragedy. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes appear to have pulled off one of the greatest successes of their lives - a civilized, quick divorce. Congratulations, Tom and Katie. May many people across the planet learn from your example.

For more information, read http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/09/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce-settlement_n_1659293.html.

Why You Don't Want To Be Halle Berry

Halle Berry is, without a doubt, a beautiful, talented and successful woman. You would think she is living a dream life. But if you daydream about walking in her shoes for a day, think twice.

According to an article in the Huffington Post, Halle has been ordered by a judge to pay $20,000 a month in child support to the father of her four year old daughter, Nahla. That alone would give you good reason for pause. Halle and her ex have been fighting a custody battle over Nahla. Halle is asking the court to give her custody of Nahla so she can move to Paris. Before you get cynical about the 1%, realize that her fiance lives in France, and she wants to put distance between herself and two people who have given her cause to fear for her safety. The man convicted of stalking her has been let out of jail after serving only 193 days of a 386 day sentence, and another man, who has allegedly threatened to slit Halle's throat, escaped from a mental institution in February. So before you assume another person's life is all glitz and glamor, look a little deeper. It might just make you grateful for your own life.

Huffington Post article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/20/halle-berry-child-support-actress-ordered-pay-gabriel-aubry-20000-month_n_1612868.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Should Your Family Hate Your Ex When You Divorce?

Should your family "choose sides" when there is a divorce? Do they betray you if they are still friendly with your ex when you are separated or divorced?

Lisa Marie Wilson, the author of an article on this subject, explores her mixed feelings about her family liking and visiting her ex after she moved out. They have a nine year relationship, and a daughter.

The article gives food for thought. Is it selfish to want your family to stop liking and socializing with your ex when you leave a long-term relationship? Is it healthy for the child for all the parties to get along and for her visits with relatives to be as close as possible to what she has known? It is good for all who have been divorced or separated to examine their feelings on this issue, and to then think about how their attitudes and feelings impact others, such as their children.

Ms. Wilson should be given points for her honesty and candor. To read the full article, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-marie-wilson/my-family-picked-my-ex-ov_b_1563856.html?ref=divorce.

What You Can Learn From Fifty Shades of Grey For Life After Divorce

According to Laura Campbell, the author of the article "Fifty Shades of Your New Life After Divorce, there are useful lessons that can be learned from the trendy book, actually trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey that be helpful in your new relationships after divorce. No, she is not referring to the obvious erotic content of the books.

Divorce can leave you overly protective and reactive. This is not conducive to happy, healthy relationships. If you are afraid to let people get close to you, or if you quickly react to things without thinking them through, you can squelch future relationships that could have been good.

We all have baggage, whether we have gone through divorce or not. If, as in Fifty Shades, people question and challenge each other and their baggage with "humor, desire and passion," perhaps good relationships can emerge where it might not have been expected.

Another lesson from Fifty Shades is that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes it is a good idea to look past how things might seem, and try to understand the reasons behind why people do the things they do.

In summary, relationships might be improved if people improve their communication with their partner with curiosity and compassion, not judging each other.

To read the entire article, see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-campbell/fifty-shades-of-your-new-_b_1528666.html?ref=divorce."

Family Court Judge Explains Joint Custody and Sole Custody

One of the most confusion aspects of divorce is what label will be applied to the custody arrangement. Some states use the label "primary custody" while others use the label "sole custody." Then there is "joint custody." Parents understandably get emotional about which label will be applied to their case. Imagine if the judge awards "sole custody" to your spouse. What does that leave you? No custody? And when your friends ask you who got custody, isn't it better, as a parent, to be able to say the two of you got joint custody rather than to have to say the other parent got sole custody? It makes it sound as though you are no longer a parent, that you have been stripped of all your rights. And in many cases, if one parent has sole custody, the other parent does not have any right to see the child's school records or medical records or participate in major decisions.

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of cases in which shutting off one parent from the child is the right thing to do - in cases of abuse, for example. The problem is when the labels take on a life of their own and cause more harm than good, achieving negative results that were never intended.

A family court judge has tried to explain sole custody and joint custody. "Divorce is hard enough, but deciding what type of custody to choose is not only difficult but also fraught with confusion. Unfortunately, because of this confusion, there is a lot of unnecessary expense and heartache." When the parties cannot agree on the labels, the case has to go to trial, and the judge has to make the decision on custody. "It is never an easy decision to make because, with sole custody, while you might have the rights I just mentioned, the trade off is the benefits of maximum contact with both parents. Too often anger at the other spouse influences this decision. But it is never a matter of what the other parent deserves when you put the focus on the children."

To read the rest of the family court judge's article, go to http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/01/how-to-divorce-how-can-i-get-full-custody_n_1468077.html?ref=divorce.

Why Is February Is The #1 Month For Divorce?

More divorces are filed in February than in any other month. Wonder why? Perhaps because the superficial trappings of romance - flowers, cards, dinner dates - are in our faces more in February than at any other time. Guess which month has the lowest number of divorce filings. October. Why? That one escapes me.

Here is a shocker: The average cost of a divorce is $18,400! And the average time it take to go through the divorce process is 8 months.

If you are divorced or are going through a divorce, how does your experience compare to these averages? Was yours more or less expensive than the average of $18,400? Did yours take longer, or were you in and out more quickly?

For more interesting facts on divorce,see this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-komaiko/february-most-active-mont_b_1269669.html?ref=divorce

5 Hot Tips for Best Divorce Results

Want to know 5 Hot Tips for getting through your divorce successfully? You will eventually get through your divorce. How will your life be when you reach that point? To get the best results and not wreck your health or your spirit in the process, follow these suggestions:

1. Separate from your spouse as soon as possible. Living together during an ongoing divorce is a recipe for conflict and high stress.

2. Hire a good divorce lawyer who is a good fit for you. If you have a divorce lawyer who makes you feel terrible, you will not be happy. Divorce is stressful enough. Hire a divorce lawyer with whom you feel comfortable and confident.

3. Break it down into bite-size portions. Some of the financial and other paperwork of divorce can be massive and overwhelming. Break it down into smaller pieces - schedule several one or two hour blocks of time to work on those projects.

4. Make a wish list of settlement items. You never know when an opportunity for settlement will arise. Keep a running list of the things you would like to accomplish in the settlement of the case so you will be prepared and not forget something. Make sure your children are the first thing on your list.

5. When you feel like doing something negative or spiteful (such as send a nasty text message or post something snarky on Facebook), go take a walk instead. You will not regret the fresh air and exercise.

For more information, see this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/edra-j-pollin/going-through-a-divorce-w_b_1248520.html.

10 Most Likely People To Cheat With Your Spouse

Who are the 10 most likely people for your spouse to fool around with? Infidelity or adultery is one of the leading causes of divorce. So who are the "usual suspects?"

According to an article by Marilyn Stowe, a divorce lawyer, link below, the most likely people are: your spouse's fitness instructor, a work colleague, a waitress or bartender met on vacation, the handyman/yard guy, a much younger person (midlife crisis), a friend's spouse, an old flame, a trauma partner (someone who has gone through a difficult experience with or similar to one endured by your spouse), a replacement version of you, and a fantasy person (grass is greener scenario). Consider yourself forewarned.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marilyn-stowe/the-top-10-stereotypical-_b_1235222.html

Suze Orman's Divorce Money Tips

Here is the link to Suze Orman's brief video on financial advice for people who are divorced or are going through divorce - see link below.

Among other things, Suze advises to get your name off of all previous joint debt. She also advises to get divorced after ten years of marriage, not before, because at ten years you are "vested" in your spouse's social security.

For more advice from Suze on how to handle your finances before, during and after divorce, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/09/suze-orman-financial-advi_n_1190863.html?ref=divorce#comments.

8 Rights of Children of Divorce

All children have certain rights, and children of divorced parents need special attention to their rights for them to come through their parents' divorce happy and emotionally healthy. Honoring the following rights of children of divorce will help make that happen.

1. The right to freedom from arguments with your ex-spouse. Arguing in front of the children hurts the children. Your children have to right to not see their parents attack each other, verbally or otherwise.

2. The right to not take sides. Don't make your children pass judgment of their other parent, or take sides. Your children need to love both of you as much as your children need to be loved by both of you.

3. The right to freedom from deceit. Don't ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent. This puts them in the middle, and pressures them to deceive or lie to one parent in order to not betray the other parent.

4. The right to remain silent. Do not use your children to deliver messages to the other parent. No one wants to be the messenger. The messenger gets shot. Don't do this to your child.

5. The right to a childhood. Boundaries are important for the children of divorce. Do not pull your child into discussions of financial issues or adult issues, and do not use your child as your confidant. If you do, you are truly using your child. They don't want to hear you cry on their shoulders. They want to be kids. Go cry to your sister or your friend. Leave your child out of it.

6. The right to a good relationship with both parents. Don't pester your child with constant text messages, phone calls, etc when they are with the other parent. When you do this, you are interrupting whatever the child is doing with the other parent, and interfering with the child's relationship with the other parent. You get your time - leave theirs alone. Don't make the child feel as though he is taffy being pulled between the two of you.

7.The right to calm transitions. Pick ups and drop offs should be looked forward to by the children, not dreaded. If you use these custody exchanges as times to rail on your ex about late child support payments or other complaints, you are subjecting your child to exchanges they will dread. If necessary, avoid contact at exchanges, by having the parent pick the child up from school instead of from the other parent's house.

8. The right to Happiness after divorce. Your child deserves a happy life, both during and after your divorce. This is your divorce, not theirs. You do not have the right to ruin their childhood by trampling on their rights. To do so is selfish and self-centered.

Your child can be very happy, well-adjusted and emotionally healthy, during and after your divorce. Follow these simple guidelines, and you will be well on your way to giving your child one of the greatest gifts of all - a happy childhood.

For more information, read http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-a-ross-ma/a-divorced-childs-bill-of_b_1184270.html.