Stay Married Or Get A Divorce?

Happy New Year!  2012 is behind us, and the world did not end.   Did you really think it would?  The holidays are over, and now we are back at work, trying to get caught up on the things that did not get done while everyone was busy with the holiday rush.
Many people take time in January to re-evaluate their lives.  Some decide to lose weight.  Some decide to get a better job.  Others decide to get married or to get a divorce.  If you are having a difficult time making a decision as to whether you should stay in your marriage, talk with a counselor or trusted friend.  Make a list of the pros and cons of staying in the relationship and of ending the relationship.  There are good books available for helping you sort out these questions.  Just remember - only you can make that decision.

Divorce and the Holidays

Is this your first holiday season after divorce?  Are you going through a divorce right now?  Does life look bleak and your future uncertain?  Focus on your health and well-being.  Resist the temptation to stay out late and drink too much alcohol, but don't be a hermit.  You need to get out some and socialize to feel a part of a community.  Take care of yourself.  Treat your self to a massage or a manicure, or if funds are tight, call a friend and give each other manis and pedis while listening to holiday music.  You will get through this, and you will be happy again.

Your Child Can Be Happy After Your Divorce

Many parents worry and stress about the impact their getting a divorce will have on their children.  From what I have observed over the 25+years that I have been a lawyer, I can tell you that the children usually bounce back quicker and better than the adults.  Often the kids are happier after the divorce than they were when living with two parents who were fighting or who simply did not want to be together.  The children are often relieved that the parents finally did what the kids wished they had done years before.
  There are several things you can do to help your child be happy after your divorce.  Do not fight with your spouse in front of the children.  No child should have to live in a war zone.  Do not bad mouth your spouse.  Get the child into counseling.  Do not discuss child support or other financial issues in front of your child.  Do not be so busy chasing after a new relationship that your child feels left behind.   Take the time to enjoy your child for the short period of time you will have before your child grows up and moves out.  This time will pass quickly and you cannot get it back.  Follow these tips and your child will be happier after your divorce.

Holiday Gifts For Children After Divorce

Believe it or not, the holidays can actually go smoothly and be a happy, fun time for your child after divorce.  Here is one tip:  Every year, you and your ex compile a list of what your child would like to receive for Christmas or Hannukah.  Discuss the list with each other and decide who will purchase which items for your child.  It can be a good thing to choose one big gift that will be from both of you, and split the cost.  It can mean a great deal to a child when his or her parents love the child enough to work together on a gift for the child.  Remember to put your child first.

School Issues and Divorce

This is the time of year when people tend to be in a hurry, thinking about and preparing for the holidays.  This is also the time of year when children's grades fall.  If you are going through divorce or are already divorced, your child may be attending events in more households this year than in the past.Your child may be distracted by the excitement and chaos of the holidays, and be giving less attention to the schoolwork.  Help your child remember to get homework completed and turned in, and to prepare for upcoming exams.

Holidays And Custody - How To Make It Better

Thanksgiving is over.  Good, bad or somewhere in the middle - it is behind us.  Take time today to reflect on what worked well for your children and what did not work well.  Talk with your ex about how to make the holidays better for your children.  Raising children after divorce is a constantly evolving process.  Make it better.  Your kids will thank you.

Cold Weather and Custody Issues

Cold weather has arrived.  Have you worked out the winter logistics to make things good for your child?  It is time to think about winter coats, gloves, hats, mufflers, boots and other gear.  They can be expensive, and are usually outgrown every year.  Who will buy them?  Who will replace them when they get lost?  How will these things get from one house to another when you have custody exchanges?  Will you and your ex have a set at each house?  And what will you do when your child needs to wear the set from your house to your ex's house?  Five minutes of conversation now with your ex can help prevent a miserably cold child as well as arguments between you and your ex down the road.  Know one thing - children lose things - expect that and be prepared to roll with it.  Don't yell at them for being what they are - children.

Report Cards After Divorce

It's that time of year again - report cards!  It would be wise to talk with your ex ahead of time to coordinate on rewards for your child's grades.  After divorce, people sometimes overlook discussions like this, but it is important to your child -- no matter how much he or she may pretend otherwise.  At least have the discussion and try to reach agreement on the rewards to be given your child for each A and B on the report card.  A word of advice: focusing on the positive - giving generous rewards for good grades - is much more effective than punishing for bad grades.
 

Halloween and Custody

Have you made arrangements with your ex yet for how Halloween will be handled this year?  If not, better get on it - Halloween is just around the corner.
Try not to view this as a situation for custody conflict.  Instead, try to view it from your kid's perspective -- an opportunity to get twice as much candy!  Keeping that in mind may help you work out this issue smoothly.  And face it, if you were a kid, wouldn't you want to trick-or-treat in two places instead of one?  Make this fun time work for your child.

School Issues and Divorce

Make sure you freely share information with your ex-spouse about your child's school events, both during and after your divorce, even if your ex can easily get this information on his or her own.  Why?  Because if your ex does not know about the event, he or she is not going to attend, and your child will be hurt.  As much as you don't want to spoon-feed information to your ex, I'm sure you don't want your child to feel the sadness of thinking one parent doesn't care about him or her.  And which one is more important - winning a battle or protecting your child from emotional pain?

Put Your Children First in Divorce

When you are going through divorce, step back and look at how your actions will affect your children.  They did not ask to be in this situation.  They have no control over the situation.  And the actions you and your spouse take now will impact their lives more than most anything else.  The children are the innocent victims.  Put their needs and interests first.

Divorce Court is Temporary - Consequences are Permanent

When going through divorce, keep this in mind - Divorce Court is Temporary - Consequences are Permanent.  Although it can be all-consuming and feel as though it will never end, your divorce is a temporary phase of your life.  It is very brief compared to the rest of your life.  Try to keep a long-term perspective and focus on how your actions during the divorce will impact the rest of your life, and your child's life.

Child Custody and School

When crafting your child custody schedule, keep in mind how the different transportation arrangements from the two different households will impact your child's school day.  Will he have to ride the bus instead of being picked up?  Will she have to discontinue participation in after school activities?  Will he have to get up much earlier in order to get to school from one parent's house?

Why Can't We All Just Get Along? & Divorce

To borrow the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"  Just because two people are getting a divorce, does not mean they have to be vicious and hateful to each other.  This is especially true if there are children involved.  Parents who create a toxic environment of fighting are selfishly ignoring the harm they inflict upon their children by doing so.

Bounce Back After Divorce

People often feel lost after divorce, wanting to move on and have new relationships, but not knowing how to meet people. The ways you met people before getting married have changed. You are no longer in college. You are no longer in the singles scene. You are busy raising the children from your marriage. You go to work and come home to take care of things grown-ups have to do. When are you going to meet people? And if you don't meet people, how are you going to find a new relationship?

Janis Spindel, of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking Inc has several ideas on how to kick-start your new life after divorce, and it does not involve hanging out in bars. She says to make new friends of your own gender, and go places with them. You will go to new places and meet new people in a more comfortable setting than going out by yourself to meet people.

Also, Janis suggests just opening up and talking to people. Talk to people in line with you at the DMV, people doing jury duty with you, people sitting next to you on airplanes. This is low risk, because if you find you can't stand the person, you are unlikely to have to ever see them again.

She suggests that women go to sporting events if they want to meet a specific type of guy, or "pretend shop" in the men's section at department stores. She throws out the idea of asking for directions to a restaurant or bar when out walking on the street.

These ideas might not be the right fit for everyone, but if you find one that appeals to you, why not give it a whirl? You deserve to be happy.

To read Janis Spindel's article, go to http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janis-spindel/life-after-divorce-how-to_b_1721766.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Settle Their Divorce Quickly - So Can You

All eyes have been on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for the last week, ever since it was reported that Katie had filed for divorce. Wild rumors swirled about Scientology and whether that was the reason behind the divorce. Other rumors focused on their daughter, Suri, and whether Katie was trying to protect the child from exposure to Scientology. Still other rumors have reported that under the prenuptial agreement, Katie will get $3 million for every year they were together, as well as their Montecito home, while others have countered that Katie will walk away with little more than she had before they married.

Those whose eyes were gleaming at the prospect of a knock-down, drag-out tabloid battle are whimpering in their corners now. Those who had sharpened their knives in preparation for the anticipated feast of scandal will have to be voyeurs in some other family's tragedy. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes appear to have pulled off one of the greatest successes of their lives - a civilized, quick divorce. Congratulations, Tom and Katie. May many people across the planet learn from your example.

For more information, read http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/09/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce-settlement_n_1659293.html.

Why You Don't Want To Be Halle Berry

Halle Berry is, without a doubt, a beautiful, talented and successful woman. You would think she is living a dream life. But if you daydream about walking in her shoes for a day, think twice.

According to an article in the Huffington Post, Halle has been ordered by a judge to pay $20,000 a month in child support to the father of her four year old daughter, Nahla. That alone would give you good reason for pause. Halle and her ex have been fighting a custody battle over Nahla. Halle is asking the court to give her custody of Nahla so she can move to Paris. Before you get cynical about the 1%, realize that her fiance lives in France, and she wants to put distance between herself and two people who have given her cause to fear for her safety. The man convicted of stalking her has been let out of jail after serving only 193 days of a 386 day sentence, and another man, who has allegedly threatened to slit Halle's throat, escaped from a mental institution in February. So before you assume another person's life is all glitz and glamor, look a little deeper. It might just make you grateful for your own life.

Huffington Post article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/20/halle-berry-child-support-actress-ordered-pay-gabriel-aubry-20000-month_n_1612868.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Should Your Family Hate Your Ex When You Divorce?

Should your family "choose sides" when there is a divorce? Do they betray you if they are still friendly with your ex when you are separated or divorced?

Lisa Marie Wilson, the author of an article on this subject, explores her mixed feelings about her family liking and visiting her ex after she moved out. They have a nine year relationship, and a daughter.

The article gives food for thought. Is it selfish to want your family to stop liking and socializing with your ex when you leave a long-term relationship? Is it healthy for the child for all the parties to get along and for her visits with relatives to be as close as possible to what she has known? It is good for all who have been divorced or separated to examine their feelings on this issue, and to then think about how their attitudes and feelings impact others, such as their children.

Ms. Wilson should be given points for her honesty and candor. To read the full article, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-marie-wilson/my-family-picked-my-ex-ov_b_1563856.html?ref=divorce.

What You Can Learn From Fifty Shades of Grey For Life After Divorce

According to Laura Campbell, the author of the article "Fifty Shades of Your New Life After Divorce, there are useful lessons that can be learned from the trendy book, actually trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey that be helpful in your new relationships after divorce. No, she is not referring to the obvious erotic content of the books.

Divorce can leave you overly protective and reactive. This is not conducive to happy, healthy relationships. If you are afraid to let people get close to you, or if you quickly react to things without thinking them through, you can squelch future relationships that could have been good.

We all have baggage, whether we have gone through divorce or not. If, as in Fifty Shades, people question and challenge each other and their baggage with "humor, desire and passion," perhaps good relationships can emerge where it might not have been expected.

Another lesson from Fifty Shades is that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes it is a good idea to look past how things might seem, and try to understand the reasons behind why people do the things they do.

In summary, relationships might be improved if people improve their communication with their partner with curiosity and compassion, not judging each other.

To read the entire article, see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-campbell/fifty-shades-of-your-new-_b_1528666.html?ref=divorce."

Family Court Judge Explains Joint Custody and Sole Custody

One of the most confusion aspects of divorce is what label will be applied to the custody arrangement. Some states use the label "primary custody" while others use the label "sole custody." Then there is "joint custody." Parents understandably get emotional about which label will be applied to their case. Imagine if the judge awards "sole custody" to your spouse. What does that leave you? No custody? And when your friends ask you who got custody, isn't it better, as a parent, to be able to say the two of you got joint custody rather than to have to say the other parent got sole custody? It makes it sound as though you are no longer a parent, that you have been stripped of all your rights. And in many cases, if one parent has sole custody, the other parent does not have any right to see the child's school records or medical records or participate in major decisions.

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of cases in which shutting off one parent from the child is the right thing to do - in cases of abuse, for example. The problem is when the labels take on a life of their own and cause more harm than good, achieving negative results that were never intended.

A family court judge has tried to explain sole custody and joint custody. "Divorce is hard enough, but deciding what type of custody to choose is not only difficult but also fraught with confusion. Unfortunately, because of this confusion, there is a lot of unnecessary expense and heartache." When the parties cannot agree on the labels, the case has to go to trial, and the judge has to make the decision on custody. "It is never an easy decision to make because, with sole custody, while you might have the rights I just mentioned, the trade off is the benefits of maximum contact with both parents. Too often anger at the other spouse influences this decision. But it is never a matter of what the other parent deserves when you put the focus on the children."

To read the rest of the family court judge's article, go to http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/01/how-to-divorce-how-can-i-get-full-custody_n_1468077.html?ref=divorce.