5 Quick Ways To Bounce Back From Your Divorce in 2012

Alright, so 2011 may not have been a banner year. So what? Throw out that calendar and start fresh. Here are 5 quick ways to bounce back from your divorce and have a much better 2012:

(1) Put yourself out there. Try new things, meet new people. You never know what can happen, and it will be great for your outlook on life.

(2) Try one new thing every month. Read a book, take a class, learn how to do something you have always wanted to do, or something completely off the wall.

(3)Get a better handle on your finances. This will help reduce your stress levels.

(4)Take better care of yourself. You will be a better parent and friend if you are well-rested and healthy.

(5)Make your house truly "yours" and not a shrine to the past. It will greatly improve your outlook and help you look forward to a positive, better life in 2012.

For more information, see this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-blumenthal-jacobs/how-to-make-2012-the-star_b_1171873.html?ref=divorce.

5 Easy Tips to Enjoy Separate Holidays

If you have had a change in your family due to divorce, separation, military service or other reasons, this year you may be spending part or all of the holidays by yourself. This may feel a little odd. When things feel odd, people often fall into negative feelings – sadness, loneliness and disappointment.

You can avoid feeling bad during the holidays by following a few simple tips.

1. It’s all in the attitude. If you are determined to be miserable during the holidays, you will be. Wish granted! But do you really want that?

2. It is whatever you make it. Create the holidays you want. If you want to be happy during the holidays, close your eyes and daydream about how that will feel. Actually feeling it is important if you are going to create it. See it, smell it, feel it. See yourself curled up all cozy, watching you want on the tv, (not having to share the remote or negotiate on watching sports or kid’s programming versus what you want to see). Smell the hot chocolate, taste the Christmas cookies, feel the warmth of a fire in the fireplace, a cat or dog snuggled up next to you. There is no rule that you can’t have these things just because there is no one else in the room.

3. View it as a test-drive – as reconnaissance work for the future. If your children are spending the holidays with your ex, realize that they are going to grow up and move out someday anyway. There would have been plenty of future holidays without them even if your marriage had stayed intact. This year, test drive many of the options that are available to you, and start exploring the varied ways you can make this new chapter of your life even better than the previous.

4. Different is not automatically worse. People resist change, assuming it will be worse than the status quo. This is not true. Be open to the very real possibility that your new-found freedom will be a good thing, that you will now be able to do things you never could before. And if you need another reason to be convinced that the future will be better – you no longer have to spend the holidays with those obnoxious friends or relatives that came along with your ex. You know who I am talking about. There are always one or two whom you won’t miss.

5. Pamper yourself. You deserve it. You have worked hard and gotten through a difficult year. If you can’t afford a manicure or pedicure – no problem. Grab a bottle of nail polish and do your own. Give yourself a facial and a hot oil treatment. All you need is cold cream and vegetable oil. Kick back, watch too much tv, eat too many snacks, stay in your sweatpants and fuzzy socks all day, sleep as late as you want, and recharge those batteries. You deserve it. Happy Holidays!

Holiday Custody 102 - Stick To The Schedule

This edition of Holiday Custody concerns thinking about how your actions make your child feel. By this point in time, you should have the custody schedule for the holidays hammered out in detail. The purpose of this article is to raise awareness of how your children feel when you show up late or blow off time with them during the holidays.

When you show up late to pick up your child for a scheduled visit or custody period, it tells your child that whatever you were doing was more important to you than your child is. Doing this during the holidays makes them feel even worse. When someone you love shows up late or cancels on you at the last minute during the holidays, it hurts you even more than it would at other times of the year.

Sometimes parents have a fight or argument during the holidays, and one parent says something like "Fine, then I just won't see the kids on Christmas. You keep them." Perhaps one parent feels he or she is punishing the other parent, but they are really punishing the child. Think about it. Would you beat up your child in order to punish the other parent? What kind of monster would do that? So don't beat up your child's feelings.

Holiday Custody 101

The holidays are upon us. Your children will only have a limited number of holiday seasons in which to make the memories they will remember for the rest of their lives. What do you want those memories to be?

First of all, the holidays are for the children. There is a certain child-like magic of the holidays that few people manage to hold on when they are grown up.

Second, put yourself in your child's shoes for a moment. If you were to close your eyes and imagine your child's idea of a great Christmas, Hanukkah or other holiday, what would it be? I guarantee they would like their parents to get along for the holidays.

When parents argue with each other and squabble over details of visitation and custody arrangements, they RUIN the holidays for their children. Your children would much rather you just got along with each other rather than lash out at each other thinking you are entitled to because of some piece of paper from court. And calling the police on each other in front of the children traumatizes the children, especially during the holidays.

The bottom line is this: Being a parent does not give you the right to ruin the holidays for your children. Play nicely.

The 4 Worst Reasons To Go To Divorce Court

Many people watch television shows and think every divorce case goes to court and has a knock down, drag out ugly divorce trial. Nothing could be further from the truth. Over 90% of divorce cases go not result in a trial. They settle at some point along the way.

Many of the cases that end up in trial should not have gone to trial. They go to trial for the wrong reasons. What are the four worst reasons to go to divorce court?

One, to prove your spouse is a horrible person. Aren't you already convinced that he or she is? Why waste $20,000 or $50,000 or much more to create a bunch of papers that will just be put into a court file? It won't change the person. It will only change how much money you have when the case is over.

Two, to "win" custody of the children. There are no winners in a nasty custody battle. The children are the ones who suffer the most, having to watch their parents viciously attack each other. Don't put them through this needlessly.

Three, your lawyer tells you a trial is the only option. A divorce trial should be the LAST option, not the first option.

Four, you want "satisfaction" for your hurt feelings and betrayal. Read: vindication. Trust me, it will not make you feel better. It will only make you feel poorer.

The bottom line is this - save yourself and your children a huge amount of grief, emotional pain and debt. Consider a nasty divorce trial to be your last option, not the first or only option. And realize that you are being told this by a divorce lawyer, who has nothing to gain financially by telling you to avoid massive legal fees.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-marcy-jones/why-soontobe-exes-should-_b_1126727.html?ref=divorce

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish Divorcing People Knew

I am sharing with you a great article written by Kelly DeVere-Rodgers, a St. Louis relationship counselor and coach:

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish
Divorcing People Knew

Realistically, there are many areas of discussion in regards to couples divorcing. Below are five topics that are important for couples to know.

1. The cost and length of divorce litigation is directly proportionate to the emotions of the parties. Do not make an emotionally charged decision to divorce and seek counseling first.

To mention that emotions are at an all time high during a separation and divorce is an understatement! Even if you don’t think there’s hope for the marriage, individual counseling can help you realize what went wrong, how to cope with current emotions for yourself and children (if applicable), and create an action plan to pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t wait for your spouse to participate! This is something you should choose to do for your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And remember, you do not need to make a decision today to divorce!

2. The grass seems greener on the other side. This is your wake up call… REALITY!

In most instances when an affair is currently taking place and one partner wants the divorce, the emotions are extremely chaotic and that individual usually wants out of the marriage immediately to pursue this new interest and “euphoric lust” they are feeling for the other person. Give it time! Those “in love” lustful feelings will fade and you will also be able to see the flaws and irritants just as you have with your current spouse. Welcome to reality!!!

Usually, the affair is just what it is and the relationship will end as quickly as it began. Or, you marry and find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship where the divorce rate is around 65%. Then come the heavy feelings of guilt and regret and most start realizing that what they had previously was not as horrible as once believed.

3. A marriage cannot survive infidelity so we must divorce… Or can it?

The majority of couples in which I counsel (90% or higher), unfortunately, seek out counseling when the marriage is in total crisis (i.e. infidelity, separation, one partner has considered divorce and spoken to an attorney or already filed). Relationships where infidelity has taken place and both parties are dedicated to the marriage, actually, have a more loving, abundant, committed relationship than before! Is it hard work on both parties? Extremely grueling! However, most couples agree they are happier choosing the marriage over divorce.

4. Beyond any other consideration, the children come first.
Children need a supportive environment to deal with separation and/or divorce. More often than not, children are placed in the middle of divorces and should never suffer needlessly due to your decision to divorce your spouse.

Once you’ve decided to divorce, try to speak to your children together and show them a united front so that they can see that, although you and your spouse cannot live together any longer, they still have a mother and father who love and care for them and can work together in their best interests. Below is a list of “DO NOT’S” to protect your children from further insurmountable stress:
a. Do not use the children as pawns.
b. Do not enlist your children as couriers or messengers.
c. Do not act out in the presence of the children.
d. Do not bad mouth your spouse to the children or discuss your spousal disputes.
e. Lastly, do not interrogate the children about your spouse.

5. Divorce should be the last option! But, if decided, negotiating is better for everyone.

The outcome of divorce is much better for everyone if a settlement can be reached out of court which requires negotiation that is part skill and part art. If your lawyer is negotiating for you, let your lawyer do so. A professional in family law practice has the experience in these matters that can help you achieve your goals. Just be clear in expressing beforehand what it is that you want and what solutions would be most workable for you.

Kelly C. DeVere-Rodgers, MA, LPC, NCC
Relationship Counselor and Coach
301 Sovereign Court, Suite #211
St. Louis, MO 63011
(314) 267-5594 office
kelly@kellydevere.com
kellydevere@gmail.com
www.kellydevere.com

Will There Be A Twilight Divorce?

The latest speculation on the Twilight series is whether Edward and Bella will get a divorce. It is said that, if the series is to continue, that is the next logical option. Robert Pattinson was heard joking about a vampire divorce at the premiere of "Breaking Dawn: Part 1." Kristen Stewart, however, is reported to be upset about the idea of Edward and Bella going splitsville. For more commentary and a slideshow, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/18/twilight-divorce_n_1102370.html?ref=divorce#s485596.

Keep Your Divorce From Ruining Childhood For Your Kids

People used to assume that children of divorced parents were automatically damaged. Now the research shows this is not true. In fact, if parents handle the divorce in a thoughtful, loving way with focus on the best interests of their children, the children can actually grow up more well-adjusted and happy than children whose parents stayed married but lived in conflict.

When children look back, years later, on the feelings they experienced when their parents were divorcing, they express four common problems. One, the loss of relationship with their fathers; two, ongoing parental conflict; three, loss of control over their own lives; and four, lack of communication with their parents before and during the divorce.

The first three on the list are self-explanatory. Be aware of those issues and try to spare your child from having those experiences. The fourth issue, communication, needs some discussion.

When children are not talked to before the divorce is filed, and are not given an opportunity to ask questions about the divorce, they will develop anxiety and a sense of helplessness. Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you would feel if, when you were a child, your parents blindsided you with the news one day that they had filed for divorce. You would have a hard time trusting them in the future, and you would be worried about what else they would drop on you without warning in the future. So how do you communicate appropriately with your children about your divorce, without saying the wrong things or too much?

Talk calmly to them before filing. Don't go into blame games or into unnecessary details. The level of detail will depend upon the child's age and emotional maturity. Explain how the divorce will impact their lives. They need to know where they will be living, where they will be going to school and what their schedule will be. Wouldn't you want to know these things? Consider their feelings and opinions before you nail down the details of the divorce, especially the parenting time or child custody schedule. If your parenting schedule would cause your child to have to drop out of an activity or get up at 4:00 am, rethink and rework the schedule. This sounds complicated, but it isn't. Simply treat your children the way you would want to be treated.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-nowinski-phd/helping-children-survive-_5_b_1082850.html?ref=divorce

Stop Marrying the Wrong People

They say even a blind hog can find an acorn now and then. So why can't some people ever find good spouses to spend their lives with? Why is it that so many people who are very good at many other things, are lousy at choosing the people they marry?

In my years as a divorce lawyer, I have noticed that the people who are "hopeless romantics" tend to fall in and out of love (and divorce court). On the other hand, the people whose relationships would never be fodder for a romance novel often get married once and stay married to that same person for the rest of their lives.

So how do you make sure you have a marriage that lasts? Simple. Treat it like buying a house. Have a thorough inspection. This means going for marriage counseling and thoroughly exploring your compatibility and the reasons both of you want to get married. If the proposed relationship passes this inspection, then go for it - and then you can enjoy the romance part without worries.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/after-two-divorces-ill-ne_b_1033704.html?ref=divorce

Tips for Happy, Fun Holidays After Divorce

The holidays are just around the corner. You have a choice to make. Will you have the holiday from hell, or will you have a wonderful time? To a great extent, it is your choice. After divorce, many things change, including how the holidays are celebrated. People often assume this will cause sadness, but look at it another way. If you always hated going to your in-laws for the holidays, guess what? You don't have to go anymore. Yippee. Now that you are beginning to see the upside to post-divorce holidays, how do you avoid the downside?

One of the most important tips is to plan well in advance. If you haven't already decided where the children are going for the holidays, pick up the phone and do it now. The later you wait, the more likelihood of problems and trampled feelings. Procrastinating will not make the decision go away - it will just make things worse. The better job you do of planning and avoiding problems, the happier the holidays will be for your children.

Another tip is to make new traditions. You may find the kids weren't too crazy about the old ways of doing things, and they might enjoy shaking things up a bit, especially if they get input on the new traditions, such as pizza for Thanksgiving. No, lightning did not strike me when I wrote that. Yes, my son and I have done pizza for Thanksgiving and loved it. We found out we never liked traditional Thanksgiving food, so why eat it? It's a holiday. Eat what you like.

Another tip is to throw out the unrealistic concept of "perfect holidays." A truly perfect holiday is being together, having fun, hanging out, having a food fight with spray cans of whipped cream. A perfect holiday is not measured by having a perfectly decorated house and a rigid schedule of fancy events.

It is important to realize that the first holidays after divorce may be emotional - but don't be surprised if one of the emotions is relief, not sadness. Give yourself permission to be human, and pamper yourself a little during those first holidays. You have been through alot - you deserve it.

If you are alternating holidays with your ex, you will have some holidays without the children. Don't despair. This opens up options that were not possible before. Take some "me" time. Go visit friends in a warm part of the country. Get caught up on sleep. Enjoy being able to go where you want, when you want, with whom you want, and to do what you want. Freedom can be a beautiful thing, especially when you don't automatically assume it will be sad and lonely. It can be a blast.

For more tips on having great holidays after divorce, read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/09/holiday-divorce-advice_n_1082486.html.

Collaborative Divorce - Only Intelligent, Civilized People Need Apply

Ok, so the marriage is over. You've had a good cry and agonized over what could have been done differently. Now it is time to pick yourself up and figure out how you will get through the next phase - the divorce. Here are your options: Act like idiots, run up massive legal fees and hate each other for the rest of your lives, OR act like civilized, intelligent grown-ups. I have seen people with very complex issues who were able to get divorced inexpensively and amicably, and I have seen other people who turn their lives into a Jerry Springer show over trivial nonsense. So how do you avoid the Jerry Springer scenario? It takes both of you being civilized and intelligent, and it takes cooperation. It takes hiring the right kind of divorce lawyer - one who will not escalate the conflict. The lawyers who escalate conflict don't care about the permanent damage a nasty divorce can do to your entire family. They just care about getting rich off of your misery. On the other hand, lawyers who do collaborative law can help you navigate the treacherous waters of divorce more amicably, without the grief and damage to your family, and without jacking up the legal fees through confrontation. Everyone sits down together and creates the best solution for the entire family, instead of viciously attacking each other in court. Which would you choose?
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-j-maier-esq/saving-your-sanity-with-c_b_1077335.html?ref=divorce

Four Of The Worst Reasons To Get Married

Anyone who has gone through divorce has tried to figure out why they married the person. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them, and noone wants to go through divorce repeatedly. To make your introspection easier, here are four of the worst reasons to get married: One reason is convenience. Although you are not unabashedly in love, the two of you get along, and some of your friends have certainly done worse. If you have been hurt before, you might not trust love, or you might want to protect your heart, so marrying someone who is a comfortable friend may seem safe. A second reason is if you have had your heart broken before, you might feel you will never again love anyone that much, so as long as the person is nice and compatible, it does not matter much whom you marry. A third reason is you think the other person will change after you marry. Sure, they may be immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy - but once you marry, everything will be better, right? That, my friend, only works in fairy tales. And the fourth reason is low self-esteem or insecurity. If you do not have a strong, healthy self-image, you are at risk for settling for someone who is not a good marriage partner for you, just because you don't know if someone better will come along. If any of these sound familiar, work with a good counselor, therapist or life coach to help ensure you don't make the same mistake again.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joelle-caputa/women-married-and-divorce_b_1077195.html

6 Dirty Divorce Tricks

If one spouse is focused on revenge or on maintaining their lifestyle as long as they can, they often resort to less than honorable tactics. One trick is to "conflict out" all the top divorce lawyers in town so they can't represent the other spouse. This is done by have a consultation with these lawyers, so they have learned confidential information, and thus cannot represent the other spouse. A second tactic is to fire the divorce lawyer right before trial. This can cause months of delays, during which a person might still be able to enjoy the lifestyle they will not have after the divorce is done. A third tactic is to transfer assets offshore. Although the judge might order these assets to be split between the spouses, enforcing an American court order in a tiny island in the Caribbean is not easily done. A fourth tactic is to have multiple loans on property, so that it has little or no equity. You would think you would need both spouses to sign the documents for these secondary loans, but I have seen otherwise. A fifth trick is to run up massive debt that your spouse does not know about, that reduces the net worth. These first five dirty divorce tricks are discussed in the articled cited below. I am adding a sixth tactic I have seen used, and have been able to warn clients about before they got burned by it. It is the tactic of seduction. If one spouse does not want the divorce, or they want to delay, or they are jealous that the other spouse has found someone new, they may try this tactic. Here's how it works. The spouse wants to get together with you to try to settle the remaining issues of the divorce. You meet at a bar or restaurant. You have a few drinks. The next thing you know, the two of you have ended up in bed together. This often happens right before a court date. Your spouse then walks in to court and tells the judge the two of you just slept together. The judge dismisses the case on grounds of it not being "irretrievably broken" and you have to refile the divorce and start over. Your spouse laughs all the way out of the court room. You are angry, betrayed and mortified. I've always believed that a word to the wise is sufficient, and that a fool is going to be a fool no matter how many times warned. Now that you are aware of these dirty tricks, you can try to stay one step ahead to prevent them from being used on you.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/georgialee-lang/5-of-the-dirtiest-divorce_b_1065735.html

One Step Trick to Child Custody and Co-Parenting Issues

It sounds too good to be true, but the author of an article in Parent Dish suggests there is one simple trick to successfully navigating the treacherous waters of child custody and co-parenting issues after divorce. She is a divorced parent, and is trying to figure things out as she goes along, just like millions of us. Things can easily get ugly if we let them, and the bottom line is that the children will suffer when the parents can't figure out how to get along after divorce. We know that we are human, and that we make mistakes, but do we apply the same attitude when our ex spouses also make mistakes? Face it, we all screw up now and then. Admit it, and move on. So, what is the big secret on co-parenting and child custody issues? Simple - give your former spouse the benefit of the doubt. That's it. Don't be a doormat, but also don't waste your time or energy assuming the worst about your former spouse and his or her behavior. Source: http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/co-parenting-divorce/

Family Law Judge Who Beat Teen Daughter With Cerebral Palsy

Apparently the Texas Family Law judge who beat his daughter who has cerebral palsy will not even face criminal charges. Reportedly, in 2004 Judge William Adams beat his then 16 year-old daughter with a belt. His daughter, who has cerebral palsy, suffered a vicious beating at the hands of her irate father, whose behavior was encouraged by the child's mother. The parents divorced several years afterward. The beating was all caught on video. He will not face criminal charges because the beating took place in 2004, and in Texas there is a 5 year statute of limitations on causing injury to a child. Both parents have come out with excuses for their behavior, and neither one shows any remorse - but the issue remains - is this acceptable behavior, regardless of their attempted justifications? And should a person like this be a Family Law Judge sitting in judgment of other parents and families? Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/03/judge-william-adams-video-beating-daughter_n_1075284.html

Is Divorce Contagious?

Have you ever noticed that when someone gets a divorce, one of their friends often gets a divorce soon thereafter? Or that divorce seems to run through families - that once the first person gets a divorce, then there is a string of divorces? Is this factual, or is it your imagination? According to a recent study on the subject, it is true. In the study, a person with a friend who has divorced is 147% more likely to get a divorce, and a person with a divorced sibling is 22% more likely to get a divorce. Apparently, noone wants to be the first or only one in their social group to get a divorce. There is still a certain stigma about being divorced. So how do you avoid "catching the divorce bug"? Be aware that when someone close to you gets divorced, it may change the way you think about divorce. If you are having problems in your marriage, work harder on them before throwing in the towel just because your friend did. Source: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/HealthyLiving/divorce-contagious/story?id=11198347#.TrLAXHKUyIw

Help Your Child Get Through Your Divorce

You are going through divorce, or have gone through divorce. Your child now has two households. Which one is home? Does either one feel like home? Will he or she ever have a sense of home again? If you are still fighting with or complaining about your former spouse, you are subjecting your child to living in an ongoing "emotional divorce." Parents often get so caught up in their hurt feelings and anger that they do not look three feet away to see the child sitting next to them. They do not think about how their behavior impacts the child. Until you get over your divorce and provide a safe, stable, nurturing home, your child will continue to suffer. I promise you, they want the divorce to be over. Let it go, so it will finally be over. Be the role model of how you want your child to resolve conflict when she is an adult. Be an example of how people can behave in difficult circumstances. Show your son how to rise above stress and hurt feelings. Get yourself happy, so they can be happy - now and in their adult relationships. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/victims-of-success-by-tar_b_1009423.html?ref=divorce

Divorced But Still Involved With Your Ex?

People often have a difficult time moving on with their lives after divorce. Some areas are easier than others. When you are living in separate places, many daily interactions cease. But financial interaction can continue, if there is child support, spousal support, or if you are dealing with assets, such as selling a house. Emotional interaction can continue, either out of habit, or because of continuing to communication about the children or other remaining issues. What many people do not realize is how often people continue to have a sexual relationship with each other after divorce. This is not playing with fire - this is playing with dynamite. Without even getting to possibility of pregnancy, STDs, and the emotional carnage to you and your ex - what do you think this does to the children? They are not stupid. They will know it is happening. Don't put them through this emotional catastrophe. It will confuse and hurt them. It might build up their hopes that the two of you will get back together. Or it could cause them to lose all respect for you. Sit down, think things through, and set new boundaries for your new life.

Kardashian Wedding/Divorce - Big Ole Scam or Sad Story?

Many people are crying foul about the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, saying it was all a publicity stunt. Other are suggesting that it is just the latest in a string of reality star divorces. Does having your relationship in full public eye too much pressure for some couples? Is Kim crying her eyes out or laughing all the way to the bank? Why do we care?

How To Protect Your Finances When Leaving Abusive Marriage

First of all - if you are in an abusive relationship - get professional help to get out. Get yourself and your children safe. Those things are more important than the money. Money can be replaced. But, when you have addressed the safety issues, you must also be practical and take care of the financial side. There are several things you can do to protect your finances when leaving an abusive relationship. Get a P.O. box and a new email address. Change all your passwords and PIN codes. Close or take your name off of joint accounts, if possible. Make a copy of all important papers and keep them somewhere safe outside of the home. And again, keep yourself and your children safe.

Bet You Didn't Know This About Your Divorce Lawyer

Shh! Don't tell anyone, but your divorce lawyer is secretly a hopeless romantic. Unlike the image often portrayed of divorce lawyers on television and in the movies, many divorce lawyers are not cynical, bitter, dried-up prunes who revel in breaking up families. We cry at weddings, and truly hope the couple will be happy. We get excited when our friends and relatives celebrate anniversaries. We turn to mush when a new life is brought into the world. So how can we stand being divorce lawyers? Because, despite the high stress levels, the false perceptions of us and some clients being unappreciative, we just can't stand to see people being miserable. When we see people who are being abused, children who are being neglected or raised in a war zone of their parents fighting, we want to help them get to a better place where they can be happy again. And that requires belief in "Happily Ever After."

Don't Ever Say This When Your Friend Is Divorcing

Your friend pulls you aside and tells you he or she is getting a divorce. What do you say? It is one of those awkward moments, for which it is helpful to have prepared responses. Just as it helps to have a few prepared responses when you know you are going to see a difficult relative at a family get-together, your friends will divorce, so you should think this through ahead of time. When your friends are going through divorce, they do not want you to be judgmental, to make assumptions, to cast blame, to say you never liked the other person, or to minimize what they are experiencing. Knowing what not to say still does not put the right words in your mouth. You may want to let them know you care, or you may just want to get through an uncomfortable social moment unscathed. So, what do you say when your friend is getting a divorce? You acknowledge the difficulty they are experiencing. You withhold judgment, blame and name-calling. You realize how important this event is in their life, without escalating the emotional level. A true friend does not increase the drama. You do not preach or act superior. You remain open-minded and show compassion. Despite what you may think, you could be in their shoes tomorrow.

How To Hire A Good Divorce Lawyer

One of the most important decisions you will make in your divorce is your choice of divorce lawyer. While many divorce lawyers are good people who work hard in a thankless, high-stress career, just trying to support their families - there are lawyers out there who will escalate problems in your case in order to jack up their legal fees. You want a lawyer who is going to be straight with you and not just tell you what you want to hear, then hit you with an unexpectedly massive legal fees bill. You need to ask your divorce lawyer the best and worse case scenarios, what the local judges do in cases like yours, and a range of what the fees might be for your case.

How Your Divorce Affects Your Child's Relationships

We have known for a long time that the children of divorced parents have a higher rate of divorce in their relationships. A 16 year study found there are other ways in which your divorce can affect your child's future intimate relationships. Surprisingly, parental divorce does not seem to have any impact on a son's rate of divorce. Daughters, however, do tend to have a higher rate of divorce - but - you can actually turn this around to help your child. The key factor was the mother-daughter relationship during the divorce. When the mother and daughter maintain a warm, close, nurturing relationship, the daughters emerge from the divorce with higher self-esteem and less likelihood for problems in their own relationships. As I always say, everything in life is an opportunity for the negative or the positive. You choose which one. To learn much more on how to help your children have the best possible chance for happy, healthy relationships after your divorce, read here.

5 Best Ways To Prevent Divorce

What are the Top Five Ways To Prevent Divorce? Some are obvious - others are a little surprising. One - both spouses need to be thrifty. When one or both spouses are careless in spending, the divorce rates shoot up. Two - when both spouses have a job, their divorce rates plummet. And their frequency of sex goes up when they both have jobs. Speaking of sex - the third way to prevent divorce is to have sex with your spouse (and only with your spouse). You would be surprised how many married couples go for months and even years without having sex. Fourth, spend time apart. I know, it seems to contradict #3, but it really doesn't. Achieve a good balance of time together and time apart. If you spend too much time together, you will begin to bore each other. And five, frequently do small, positive things for your spouse. For more information, ideas and suggestions, see this article.

Are Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Divorcing?

Rumors are flying that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are splitting, after just 3 months of marriage. The story was splashed on the front page of two tabloids recently. Is it true? Or is it just yet another publicity stunt? This article says the couple denies having any problems. One has to wonder how often celebrity couples split up from the stress of people wondering if they are splitting up.

On The Money - Best Times To Get A Divorce

We all know that the best time to get a divorce is after the relationship is over and before you hate each other. But financially speaking - what is the best time to get a divorce? If you want to have the smoothest transition to single life and not be financially destitute, you need to pay attention to these important financial factors. The Five Best Times to get a divorce are: When real estate is selling well, when your credit cards are paid off, when the kids are going off to college, when you have a great credit score, and before you inherit a windfall. For more information, see this article.

How Many Divorcing Couples Want To Save The Marriage?

You would think that by the time people get to the point of filing for divorce they are done with the marriage, no questions asked. Apparently, that is not true, for a surprising number of couples. Many couples responded in a survey that they would be willing to participate in reconciliation services if they were offered through the court. Perhaps the phrase - "It's not over until it's over" should have an addendum - "... and sometimes, not even then." For more information, read here.

Are There Really Double Standards On Cheating For Husbands And Wives?

Throughout history, it is been socially acceptable (in varying degrees) for a husband to have a mistress, but almost never for a wife to have the equivalent - a "mister"? Some say the double standard applies not only to cheating but also to politics, law, society, culture and even education. The author of an interesting article on this topic thinks these double standards are about power and control - about empowering men and dis-empowering women. She suggests that, as many of the laws on inheritance, contracts and other property have been changed, that the double standard is also slowly changing.

Divorced Moms Tell All About Dating

A new study followed 300 divorced moms with elementary-school-age children. They wanted to find out, over a two year time period, what the mothers' priorities were on new relationships and their children. These priorities changed somewhat from immediately after the divorce to a couple years down the road. At one point, 91% of women said they and their children were a package deal. To see how you fit in with the women in the study, read this article.

Top Causes for Divorce - Not What You Think

You would assume that divorce is caused mainly by one spouse treating the other spouse badly - physical abuse, adultery, disrespect, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and other things like addiction. Think again. The economy is a top cause for today's divorces. Three of the top five causes for divorce today are job loss, housing problems and credit card debt. How do you deal with divorce in today's economic situation? You need to read this great article.

School Issues and Child Custody

School can be tough enough on its own. Being a kid of divorced or divorcing parents can also be tough. Combine the two, and you have a lot to put on a child's shoulders. Do your custody and visitation arrangements make things better or worse for your children? Are you now stressing out about your kids? Want to learn how to make it better? Read this article for great suggestions on how to make life and school much more pleasant for you and your children.

Is Tea Party Congressman Delinquent $100,000+ in Child Support?

Fur is flying over this one. The Tea Party regularly busts the chops of President Obama and others about fiscal responsibility. So when one of their own is accused of being more than $100,000 behind in child support, they are getting a big fat "back atcha!" Congressman Walsh defends himself with the claim that he had a verbal agreement with his wife about not paying child support for a while when her income went up and his went down, and he says he did eventually pay the support in full. She says the agreement was supposed to be for a short time, not for years, and that the payments he made were for other things, not child support. Great story with more information here.

FlipSide of Gay Marriage - Gay Divorce?

What does a same-sex couple do if they got married in a state which allows same sex marriage, then they moved to another state that does not recognize same sex marriage - and they want to get a divorce? It sounds simple - file for divorce. But if you live in a state that does not recognize same sex marriage, you cannot get a divorce there. In order for a court to grant a divorce, they have to acknowledge there was a valid marriage. And you can't just file for divorce in the state where you got married, because they won't have jurisdiction over a case when none of the parties live in that state. California has now proposed legislation to address this problem, but there are concerns that the bill is flawed. Read more here.

Think You Know How Your Kids Feel About Your Divorce? Think Again.

Do you think you know how your kids feel about your divorce? Not so fast. Read here for helpful information on how kids really feel about their parents' divorces - about the conflict, the rules, the two households, and about parents putting the kids in the middle. It's a real eye-opener.

Is Your Parenting Plan Obsolete?

Was your parenting plan entered into more than a couple years ago? Are you feeling stressed trying to follow it? Does it feel awkward, cumbersome and artificial? Perhaps you and your ex need to sit down, dust off the parenting plan/visitation agreement and take another look at it. What worked when your kids were preschoolers is probably not a good fit when they are in middle school - perhaps not even in elementary school. Since the whole point of a parenting plan is to have an arrangement that works in the best interests of the children, why not tailor it as they need it tailored? You may find that if you and your ex can agree on small nips and tucks to the parenting plan, you can work together and reach agreement on bigger issues down the road. Get more info here.

7 Tips For a Civilized and Child-Centered Divorce

As a practicing divorce lawyer, I frequently see parents so obsessed with fighting during their divorce that they do not notice how much they are hurting their children. Each parent will have an excuse - really, a justification - for their behavior, and it is always the other spouse's fault of course, never theirs. Some people who are ordinarily perfectly normal act like spoiled brats during their divorces. When this happens, it is the children who really suffer. Read here for 7 tips on having a civilized and child-centered divorce. These include: use of therapy, talking to your children and reassuring them of your love, modeling the behavior you want to see in them,remembering that the money you don't spend on litigation costs can go into their college accounts, and much more. You CAN do this, and your children deserve it.

You Are Never Really Divorced If You Have Children

Ok, you may be technically and legally divorced, but if you are "co-parenting" children with your ex, you are still having to make your way through the minefield of coordinating kid schedules with parent schedules. You still have to agonize over whether you are making the right decisions that can impact your child's future. You still have to discuss "all things child related" with your ex and try to reach a good result by agreement (unless your ex has fallen off the face of the earth or is an uninvolved louse). So, when it comes down to it, about the only difference between you and married parents raising kids is that they might still be covered under their [ex]spouse's health insurance. For a great discussion of this subject, read more here.

Beware Of Wife Shoppers When You Start Dating After Divorce

It seems there is a certain type of man out there - usually over age 40, successful in his career, and now wanting to get married and BAM! start popping out children. Since divorce rates are already high, do you think it is a good idea to get involved with someone who is going to rush you into getting married quickly and turning your body into a baby carriage immediately? So how do you know if the guy you are dating is one of these guys? Does he try to rush you toward commitment? Does he ask you about your plans to have children? Does he interrogate you about your financial condition and the health of your family members? Does he do any of these things before the appetizers arrive on the first date? Hmmm. If you think your guy might be one of these wife shoppers, read more here.

Divorce Rates by State - How Does Your State Rank?

Divorce rates tend to vary by the part of the country in which you live. There tend to be higher divorce rates in the South, but then, there are higher marriage rates in the South. More people getting married, more people getting divorced. The Northeast tends to have lower marriage rates and lower divorce rates. Again, simple math. Alaska and Maine, however, have high divorce rates, so there are exceptions to the general rule. How does your state rank? Find out here.

It's A Dogfight - Over The Dog, In A Divorce

You think you have heard it all? Well, sit down. A divorcing husband and wife are fighting each other over custody of their dog. It seems the wife moved out and left one of their two dogs behind. When the other dog died, the wife filed papers in court to get this dog from the husband. Want to read the juicy parts? Here they are.

Singer Arrested on Stage for $420,000 Unpaid Child Support

Stevie B., the singer best known for his #1 Billboard hit "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)" from 1990, was recently pulled off the stage during a performance and arrested. He is accused of not paying his child support - in the amount of $420,000! How do you get away with it that long? I would probably get arrested if I littered. $420,000??? For more information, see this article.

Top 5 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

Are you worried that you and your dearly beloved are headed to divorce court? If you are seeing any of the following things, don't ignore it. 1) Facebook messaging with an old lover (sneaking around); 2) Weight gain over 20% (giving up); 3) Sexy new underwear (duh); 4) Slacking on chores (don't care any more); 5) Writing down all costs (getting their ducks in a row). For more information on the Top 5 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble, read this article.

Should You Play Banker For Your Divorcing Child?

It is such a difficult situation. Your child is going through divorce. There may be young children involved. You want to help, to make it better. You are, after all their parent. So you offer moral support - then babysitting, running errands, cooking some meals, carpooling. You are okay with that, after all, your child has a lot on his or her plate right now. But then they ask you for money. Should you give or lend them money? If so, more than once? Should you stipulate how the money is to be used? What will other family members think if you do or do not give or lend the money? For an excellent discussion of these and other questions, read this article.

Top 10 Signs Your Date is a Married Man

So you are dating a great guy who swears he is single. But after a while, you start to have doubts. Are you being paranoid or oblivious? That depends. Does he pay for everything in cash? Does he only go out with you right after work? Does his job involve a lot of travel? Has he ever had you over to his house? Does he refuse to answer certain phone calls in front of you? Actually, that could be that he is married, or that he is dodging bill collectors. For more of the Top 10 Signs Your Date is a Married Man, see this article.

Josh Powell, Husband of Missing Utah Mom Susan Powell, Loses Custody of Boys

Be careful who you live with - it could cost you custody of your kids. That is the lesson Josh Powell learned recently, when the court took custody of his two young boys away from him and gave it to his in-laws. Josh Powell is the husband of Susan Powell, the Utah woman who has been missing. The day she disappeared, Josh claims to have taken the boys, then ages 2 and 4 years, on a camping trip (in freezing temperatures). Josh's refusal to cooperate with the police has been given as one reason for the court determining the boys are not safe in the home with him. The other reason is that they were living with Josh's father, Steve Powell, who was been charged with voyeurism (for secretly videotaping two young neighbor girls in their own bathrooms - eww!) and for possession of child pornography. More information in this article.

Do You Want Step-Parenting to Suck Less?

Many of us have been there - step-parent to resentful children. Often, you will be treated as the reason their parents divorced, even if the child knows it is not true. This can happen when the child knows you did not meet their parents until years after they divorced, or that the other parent is the one who saw other people during the marriage. Is there any hope? Or will you both walk on eggshells around each other and hope the child will go to college far away? These step-relationship problems often are a factor in the second marriage ending in divorce - or not happening at all. Why would you walk to walk down the aisle with someone whose child hates you? On the other hand, why should the child welcome you with open arms? She didn't have a voice when her parents divorced. No one has asked her how she feels about you becoming a part of her life. Since more than half of second marriages end in divorce anyway, her best bet is to be a total pain and hope you two will either not get married, or will get divorced. Clearly, no one is happy in this situation. This article gives practical insight and advice on how to understand each other better and actually create a good, respectful, caring step-parenting relationship.

Yes, Sex Life Can Predict Divorce, But With A Twist

You would think the frequency of sex and intimacy would be an important factor, but this study shows, surprisingly, it is not. Satisfaction with sex and intimacy was a much better predictor of whether the couple would divorce than frequency. For men, sexual satisfaction decreased the likelihood of divorce by about 83%, and was the single most important factor in predicting divorce. For women, satisfaction was important, but no more so than satisfaction with the overage quality of the marriage. The funny thing is, couples don't have to be on the same page with this. In other words, a couple can wildly disagree on their level of satisfaction with the sex and intimacy in the marriage, and that disagreement does not make them any more likely to divorce than a couple who agree on the levels of satisfaction.

Til Death Do Us Part - Or 2 Years, Whichever Comes First

It used to be, back in the days of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, that people would go to Mexico for a quickie divorce. Now, if the proposed legislation passes, people in Mexico can get a quickie marriage - sort of. The proposed legislation would allow people to decide how long they would be married, with a minimum of two years. They would decide ahead of time what they would do about children, money and other things if the marriage doesn't work out. If, at the end of the time they had decided, they don't want to stay married, then they no longer are. No divorce necessary. At first it may sound crazy, but I think it really sounds quite civilized. Much more civilized than divorce court.

Read This Before You Sign That Pre-Nup

Alright, you're in love. We're all happy for you. And your dearly beloved sticks a 50 page document under your nose a few days before you are set to waltz down the aisle. Do you think, "We're in love. Our marriage will last. Since we are never going to divorce, what difference does it make if I sign this silly paper?" Not so fast, girlfriend or loverboy. Read this article on the 6 things you need to know about pre-nups. And don't you even think of signing the document without reading this article first.

Man Charged With Torching His House Rather Than Give to His Wife in Divorce

Yes, you did read that correctly. A man in Pennsylvania has been charged with arson, insurance fraud and theft by deception for allegedly setting fire to the marital home, which was, under the divorce settlement, to have been sold and the proceeds paid to his ex-wife. The article describes that gas-soaked rags were found in the garage, the walls of which were also soaked with gasoline. He apparently filed an insurance claim on the fire loss. Talk about a series of bad decisions that he will have the rest of his life to regret.

What If You and Your Ex Have to Live Together After Divorce?

In today's economy, sometimes it can be many months or even a year or two before the house sells. Many people can barely afford one household, and they certainly can't afford two households - until the house sells. So, if you get stuck living with your ex for months or longer after the divorce, how do you keep from killing each other? Seriously, how do you live together without everyone being miserable - especially the kids? This great article helps you set ground rules in this situation. I'll bet you know someone who could use this information.

Want help getting rid of stuff after your divorce?

Wouldn't you love some unbiased, unemotional advice on what to keep and what to throw out the window at high speed after your divorce? And no, I am not referring to your ex. Get great information to help you clear out the junk and get rolling on a fresh start.

Why Do Men Move On Faster Than Women After Divorce?

It's not just your perception - divorced men really do remarry faster than divorced women. Do you wonder why that is? Is it because more women have custody of the children, so they are effectively taken out of the "dating pool" if they are busy raising the children, handling their day job, managing homework and running the kids around to their activities? Is it because men tend to get over things and bounce back quicker? Is it because women are busy working through the things that were problems so they don't make the same mistakes again? Is it because men don't want to cook and clean for themselves? Or is it something else? Read a great discussion of this topic.

Massachusetts to overhaul law on lifetime alimony

The governor of Massachusetts is expected to sign into law new legislation that would get rid of "lifetime alimony." The article states that the bill, "which has already been approved by the House and Senate, establishes guidelines for alimony payments and limits the duration of payments, ending so-called "lifetime alimony" payments ordered by some judges in divorce cases. One of the biggest changes in the bill would set limits on how long a spouse can receive alimony, based on how long the couple was married. Patrick plans to sign the bill Monday at the Statehouse. The state's current alimony laws don't set any duration limits. The bill's supporters say the new guidelines will help judges make fair decisions."

Marijuana or Child Custody? Which would you choose?

Which would you choose - custody of your child or marijuana? With the increase in use of medical marijuana, this issue has taken a different turn than in the past. Read this great article on Marijuana or Child Custody in the Huffington Post.

How To Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband

This book, How To Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband, applies equally to both genders - future ex-wives and future ex-husbands. It explains why we make the bad choices we do sometimes when choosing spouses. We rationalize their behavior, when down deep, we know there is a problem. Before you get married, read this book.

Grandparents and Divorce - What About Grandma?

The issue of how the divorce of their adult children will affect the grandparents is seldom raised during divorce. After the divorce, however, the grandparents might be called on more to help out with child care for their single-parent offspring, or the grandparents might see the grandchildren less after divorce.

This excellent article explores these issues, and makes a very good case for considering how the divorce of their adult children will affect the grandparents.

Tips on Back to School for Divorced Parents

Get great ideas on how to avoid back-to-school hassles for divorced parents. Your kids have enough stress as it is. Step up to the plate, be a good parent, set your own grievances aside, and find out how to make things as good as they can be for your child.

11-year-old charged with stepbrother's death - WDAM - Channel 7 - Mississippi News, Hattiesburg, Laurel

An 11 year-old boy in Indiana has been charged with murdering his 6 year-old stepbrother, who was shot in the head. As I sit here trying to write my thoughts on this story, I am just shaking my head, baffled at what could cause this to happen with children this young. If it was intentional, how on earth can an 11 year-old become like that? Whether it was intentional or not, why did an 11 year-old have access to a gun and ammunition? Link to story below.

11-year-old charged with stepbrother's death - WDAM - Channel 7 - Mississippi News, Hattiesburg, Laurel

Will Casey Anthony's Parents Divorce?

When the dust settles from the "not guilty" verdict from the murder trial and people take a break from expressing their opinions as to whether Casey Anthony was guilty or innocent, and whether the jury did the right thing, she and her family will have to get on with the rest of their lives.

What will their lives look like?

Casey Anthony will most likely be drummed out of any place she tries to live. After accusing her father of molesting her, and accusing her mother of leaving the pool ladder up and causing the child's alleged drowning, she is not likely to be welcome at her parents' house. She will probably write a book, not that anyone will believe anything she says in it.

But what about her family?

Her parents have to live the rest of their lives being known as the parents of the person many people believe got away with murdering her own little girl. Their faces have been plastered all over the television and internet. It will be a long time before they can even go to the grocery store in peace.

The stress they have endured, of their grandchild dying and a notorious public trial, as well as the accusations their daughter made against them,is almost mind-boggling. Would your marriage survive this? Many marriages do not. It is a tragedy that many families end up in divorce when they have endured this level of stress. Just when they need each other the most, they are pulled apart. How many of us would survive having our private lives on display for the entire world to see?

The Four Worst Words a Man Can Say During Divorce

Do you think you know the four worst words a man can say during divorce? No, not that one, or that one, or the other one. None of the four words are hateful or name-calling. Read this interesting article to find out why "I just want out" are the four worst words a man can say during divorce. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-t-pisarra/welcome-to-the-danger-zon_b_852806.html?ncid=wsc-huffpost-cards-headline

Is Marriage Obsolete?

Some people say that divorce rates have stopped rising. This may be true, but to get to the true picture of what is going on, we need to look at the state of relationships today. Many people in their 20s and 30s are just not getting married. If you don't get married, then you don't have to go through divorce. Perhaps they saw their parents go through an ugly divorce - perhaps they were put in the middle of that divorce. They may have sworn they would never do that to their child, and that they would never go through a contentious divorce, so they just never got married. If you look around at your friends and family, what do you see? How many people are in long-term stable "family relationships" - whether that means being married or living together? How does this compared with 10, 20, 30 years ago in your circle of friends and family?