The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish Divorcing People Knew

I am sharing with you a great article written by Kelly DeVere-Rodgers, a St. Louis relationship counselor and coach:

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish
Divorcing People Knew

Realistically, there are many areas of discussion in regards to couples divorcing. Below are five topics that are important for couples to know.

1. The cost and length of divorce litigation is directly proportionate to the emotions of the parties. Do not make an emotionally charged decision to divorce and seek counseling first.

To mention that emotions are at an all time high during a separation and divorce is an understatement! Even if you don’t think there’s hope for the marriage, individual counseling can help you realize what went wrong, how to cope with current emotions for yourself and children (if applicable), and create an action plan to pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t wait for your spouse to participate! This is something you should choose to do for your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And remember, you do not need to make a decision today to divorce!

2. The grass seems greener on the other side. This is your wake up call… REALITY!

In most instances when an affair is currently taking place and one partner wants the divorce, the emotions are extremely chaotic and that individual usually wants out of the marriage immediately to pursue this new interest and “euphoric lust” they are feeling for the other person. Give it time! Those “in love” lustful feelings will fade and you will also be able to see the flaws and irritants just as you have with your current spouse. Welcome to reality!!!

Usually, the affair is just what it is and the relationship will end as quickly as it began. Or, you marry and find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship where the divorce rate is around 65%. Then come the heavy feelings of guilt and regret and most start realizing that what they had previously was not as horrible as once believed.

3. A marriage cannot survive infidelity so we must divorce… Or can it?

The majority of couples in which I counsel (90% or higher), unfortunately, seek out counseling when the marriage is in total crisis (i.e. infidelity, separation, one partner has considered divorce and spoken to an attorney or already filed). Relationships where infidelity has taken place and both parties are dedicated to the marriage, actually, have a more loving, abundant, committed relationship than before! Is it hard work on both parties? Extremely grueling! However, most couples agree they are happier choosing the marriage over divorce.

4. Beyond any other consideration, the children come first.
Children need a supportive environment to deal with separation and/or divorce. More often than not, children are placed in the middle of divorces and should never suffer needlessly due to your decision to divorce your spouse.

Once you’ve decided to divorce, try to speak to your children together and show them a united front so that they can see that, although you and your spouse cannot live together any longer, they still have a mother and father who love and care for them and can work together in their best interests. Below is a list of “DO NOT’S” to protect your children from further insurmountable stress:
a. Do not use the children as pawns.
b. Do not enlist your children as couriers or messengers.
c. Do not act out in the presence of the children.
d. Do not bad mouth your spouse to the children or discuss your spousal disputes.
e. Lastly, do not interrogate the children about your spouse.

5. Divorce should be the last option! But, if decided, negotiating is better for everyone.

The outcome of divorce is much better for everyone if a settlement can be reached out of court which requires negotiation that is part skill and part art. If your lawyer is negotiating for you, let your lawyer do so. A professional in family law practice has the experience in these matters that can help you achieve your goals. Just be clear in expressing beforehand what it is that you want and what solutions would be most workable for you.

Kelly C. DeVere-Rodgers, MA, LPC, NCC
Relationship Counselor and Coach
301 Sovereign Court, Suite #211
St. Louis, MO 63011
(314) 267-5594 office
kelly@kellydevere.com
kellydevere@gmail.com
www.kellydevere.com

Will There Be A Twilight Divorce?

The latest speculation on the Twilight series is whether Edward and Bella will get a divorce. It is said that, if the series is to continue, that is the next logical option. Robert Pattinson was heard joking about a vampire divorce at the premiere of "Breaking Dawn: Part 1." Kristen Stewart, however, is reported to be upset about the idea of Edward and Bella going splitsville. For more commentary and a slideshow, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/18/twilight-divorce_n_1102370.html?ref=divorce#s485596.

Keep Your Divorce From Ruining Childhood For Your Kids

People used to assume that children of divorced parents were automatically damaged. Now the research shows this is not true. In fact, if parents handle the divorce in a thoughtful, loving way with focus on the best interests of their children, the children can actually grow up more well-adjusted and happy than children whose parents stayed married but lived in conflict.

When children look back, years later, on the feelings they experienced when their parents were divorcing, they express four common problems. One, the loss of relationship with their fathers; two, ongoing parental conflict; three, loss of control over their own lives; and four, lack of communication with their parents before and during the divorce.

The first three on the list are self-explanatory. Be aware of those issues and try to spare your child from having those experiences. The fourth issue, communication, needs some discussion.

When children are not talked to before the divorce is filed, and are not given an opportunity to ask questions about the divorce, they will develop anxiety and a sense of helplessness. Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you would feel if, when you were a child, your parents blindsided you with the news one day that they had filed for divorce. You would have a hard time trusting them in the future, and you would be worried about what else they would drop on you without warning in the future. So how do you communicate appropriately with your children about your divorce, without saying the wrong things or too much?

Talk calmly to them before filing. Don't go into blame games or into unnecessary details. The level of detail will depend upon the child's age and emotional maturity. Explain how the divorce will impact their lives. They need to know where they will be living, where they will be going to school and what their schedule will be. Wouldn't you want to know these things? Consider their feelings and opinions before you nail down the details of the divorce, especially the parenting time or child custody schedule. If your parenting schedule would cause your child to have to drop out of an activity or get up at 4:00 am, rethink and rework the schedule. This sounds complicated, but it isn't. Simply treat your children the way you would want to be treated.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-nowinski-phd/helping-children-survive-_5_b_1082850.html?ref=divorce

Stop Marrying the Wrong People

They say even a blind hog can find an acorn now and then. So why can't some people ever find good spouses to spend their lives with? Why is it that so many people who are very good at many other things, are lousy at choosing the people they marry?

In my years as a divorce lawyer, I have noticed that the people who are "hopeless romantics" tend to fall in and out of love (and divorce court). On the other hand, the people whose relationships would never be fodder for a romance novel often get married once and stay married to that same person for the rest of their lives.

So how do you make sure you have a marriage that lasts? Simple. Treat it like buying a house. Have a thorough inspection. This means going for marriage counseling and thoroughly exploring your compatibility and the reasons both of you want to get married. If the proposed relationship passes this inspection, then go for it - and then you can enjoy the romance part without worries.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/after-two-divorces-ill-ne_b_1033704.html?ref=divorce

Tips for Happy, Fun Holidays After Divorce

The holidays are just around the corner. You have a choice to make. Will you have the holiday from hell, or will you have a wonderful time? To a great extent, it is your choice. After divorce, many things change, including how the holidays are celebrated. People often assume this will cause sadness, but look at it another way. If you always hated going to your in-laws for the holidays, guess what? You don't have to go anymore. Yippee. Now that you are beginning to see the upside to post-divorce holidays, how do you avoid the downside?

One of the most important tips is to plan well in advance. If you haven't already decided where the children are going for the holidays, pick up the phone and do it now. The later you wait, the more likelihood of problems and trampled feelings. Procrastinating will not make the decision go away - it will just make things worse. The better job you do of planning and avoiding problems, the happier the holidays will be for your children.

Another tip is to make new traditions. You may find the kids weren't too crazy about the old ways of doing things, and they might enjoy shaking things up a bit, especially if they get input on the new traditions, such as pizza for Thanksgiving. No, lightning did not strike me when I wrote that. Yes, my son and I have done pizza for Thanksgiving and loved it. We found out we never liked traditional Thanksgiving food, so why eat it? It's a holiday. Eat what you like.

Another tip is to throw out the unrealistic concept of "perfect holidays." A truly perfect holiday is being together, having fun, hanging out, having a food fight with spray cans of whipped cream. A perfect holiday is not measured by having a perfectly decorated house and a rigid schedule of fancy events.

It is important to realize that the first holidays after divorce may be emotional - but don't be surprised if one of the emotions is relief, not sadness. Give yourself permission to be human, and pamper yourself a little during those first holidays. You have been through alot - you deserve it.

If you are alternating holidays with your ex, you will have some holidays without the children. Don't despair. This opens up options that were not possible before. Take some "me" time. Go visit friends in a warm part of the country. Get caught up on sleep. Enjoy being able to go where you want, when you want, with whom you want, and to do what you want. Freedom can be a beautiful thing, especially when you don't automatically assume it will be sad and lonely. It can be a blast.

For more tips on having great holidays after divorce, read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/09/holiday-divorce-advice_n_1082486.html.

Collaborative Divorce - Only Intelligent, Civilized People Need Apply

Ok, so the marriage is over. You've had a good cry and agonized over what could have been done differently. Now it is time to pick yourself up and figure out how you will get through the next phase - the divorce. Here are your options: Act like idiots, run up massive legal fees and hate each other for the rest of your lives, OR act like civilized, intelligent grown-ups. I have seen people with very complex issues who were able to get divorced inexpensively and amicably, and I have seen other people who turn their lives into a Jerry Springer show over trivial nonsense. So how do you avoid the Jerry Springer scenario? It takes both of you being civilized and intelligent, and it takes cooperation. It takes hiring the right kind of divorce lawyer - one who will not escalate the conflict. The lawyers who escalate conflict don't care about the permanent damage a nasty divorce can do to your entire family. They just care about getting rich off of your misery. On the other hand, lawyers who do collaborative law can help you navigate the treacherous waters of divorce more amicably, without the grief and damage to your family, and without jacking up the legal fees through confrontation. Everyone sits down together and creates the best solution for the entire family, instead of viciously attacking each other in court. Which would you choose?
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-j-maier-esq/saving-your-sanity-with-c_b_1077335.html?ref=divorce

Four Of The Worst Reasons To Get Married

Anyone who has gone through divorce has tried to figure out why they married the person. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them, and noone wants to go through divorce repeatedly. To make your introspection easier, here are four of the worst reasons to get married: One reason is convenience. Although you are not unabashedly in love, the two of you get along, and some of your friends have certainly done worse. If you have been hurt before, you might not trust love, or you might want to protect your heart, so marrying someone who is a comfortable friend may seem safe. A second reason is if you have had your heart broken before, you might feel you will never again love anyone that much, so as long as the person is nice and compatible, it does not matter much whom you marry. A third reason is you think the other person will change after you marry. Sure, they may be immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy - but once you marry, everything will be better, right? That, my friend, only works in fairy tales. And the fourth reason is low self-esteem or insecurity. If you do not have a strong, healthy self-image, you are at risk for settling for someone who is not a good marriage partner for you, just because you don't know if someone better will come along. If any of these sound familiar, work with a good counselor, therapist or life coach to help ensure you don't make the same mistake again.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joelle-caputa/women-married-and-divorce_b_1077195.html

6 Dirty Divorce Tricks

If one spouse is focused on revenge or on maintaining their lifestyle as long as they can, they often resort to less than honorable tactics. One trick is to "conflict out" all the top divorce lawyers in town so they can't represent the other spouse. This is done by have a consultation with these lawyers, so they have learned confidential information, and thus cannot represent the other spouse. A second tactic is to fire the divorce lawyer right before trial. This can cause months of delays, during which a person might still be able to enjoy the lifestyle they will not have after the divorce is done. A third tactic is to transfer assets offshore. Although the judge might order these assets to be split between the spouses, enforcing an American court order in a tiny island in the Caribbean is not easily done. A fourth tactic is to have multiple loans on property, so that it has little or no equity. You would think you would need both spouses to sign the documents for these secondary loans, but I have seen otherwise. A fifth trick is to run up massive debt that your spouse does not know about, that reduces the net worth. These first five dirty divorce tricks are discussed in the articled cited below. I am adding a sixth tactic I have seen used, and have been able to warn clients about before they got burned by it. It is the tactic of seduction. If one spouse does not want the divorce, or they want to delay, or they are jealous that the other spouse has found someone new, they may try this tactic. Here's how it works. The spouse wants to get together with you to try to settle the remaining issues of the divorce. You meet at a bar or restaurant. You have a few drinks. The next thing you know, the two of you have ended up in bed together. This often happens right before a court date. Your spouse then walks in to court and tells the judge the two of you just slept together. The judge dismisses the case on grounds of it not being "irretrievably broken" and you have to refile the divorce and start over. Your spouse laughs all the way out of the court room. You are angry, betrayed and mortified. I've always believed that a word to the wise is sufficient, and that a fool is going to be a fool no matter how many times warned. Now that you are aware of these dirty tricks, you can try to stay one step ahead to prevent them from being used on you.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/georgialee-lang/5-of-the-dirtiest-divorce_b_1065735.html

One Step Trick to Child Custody and Co-Parenting Issues

It sounds too good to be true, but the author of an article in Parent Dish suggests there is one simple trick to successfully navigating the treacherous waters of child custody and co-parenting issues after divorce. She is a divorced parent, and is trying to figure things out as she goes along, just like millions of us. Things can easily get ugly if we let them, and the bottom line is that the children will suffer when the parents can't figure out how to get along after divorce. We know that we are human, and that we make mistakes, but do we apply the same attitude when our ex spouses also make mistakes? Face it, we all screw up now and then. Admit it, and move on. So, what is the big secret on co-parenting and child custody issues? Simple - give your former spouse the benefit of the doubt. That's it. Don't be a doormat, but also don't waste your time or energy assuming the worst about your former spouse and his or her behavior. Source: http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/17/co-parenting-divorce/

Family Law Judge Who Beat Teen Daughter With Cerebral Palsy

Apparently the Texas Family Law judge who beat his daughter who has cerebral palsy will not even face criminal charges. Reportedly, in 2004 Judge William Adams beat his then 16 year-old daughter with a belt. His daughter, who has cerebral palsy, suffered a vicious beating at the hands of her irate father, whose behavior was encouraged by the child's mother. The parents divorced several years afterward. The beating was all caught on video. He will not face criminal charges because the beating took place in 2004, and in Texas there is a 5 year statute of limitations on causing injury to a child. Both parents have come out with excuses for their behavior, and neither one shows any remorse - but the issue remains - is this acceptable behavior, regardless of their attempted justifications? And should a person like this be a Family Law Judge sitting in judgment of other parents and families? Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/03/judge-william-adams-video-beating-daughter_n_1075284.html

Is Divorce Contagious?

Have you ever noticed that when someone gets a divorce, one of their friends often gets a divorce soon thereafter? Or that divorce seems to run through families - that once the first person gets a divorce, then there is a string of divorces? Is this factual, or is it your imagination? According to a recent study on the subject, it is true. In the study, a person with a friend who has divorced is 147% more likely to get a divorce, and a person with a divorced sibling is 22% more likely to get a divorce. Apparently, noone wants to be the first or only one in their social group to get a divorce. There is still a certain stigma about being divorced. So how do you avoid "catching the divorce bug"? Be aware that when someone close to you gets divorced, it may change the way you think about divorce. If you are having problems in your marriage, work harder on them before throwing in the towel just because your friend did. Source: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/HealthyLiving/divorce-contagious/story?id=11198347#.TrLAXHKUyIw

Help Your Child Get Through Your Divorce

You are going through divorce, or have gone through divorce. Your child now has two households. Which one is home? Does either one feel like home? Will he or she ever have a sense of home again? If you are still fighting with or complaining about your former spouse, you are subjecting your child to living in an ongoing "emotional divorce." Parents often get so caught up in their hurt feelings and anger that they do not look three feet away to see the child sitting next to them. They do not think about how their behavior impacts the child. Until you get over your divorce and provide a safe, stable, nurturing home, your child will continue to suffer. I promise you, they want the divorce to be over. Let it go, so it will finally be over. Be the role model of how you want your child to resolve conflict when she is an adult. Be an example of how people can behave in difficult circumstances. Show your son how to rise above stress and hurt feelings. Get yourself happy, so they can be happy - now and in their adult relationships. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/victims-of-success-by-tar_b_1009423.html?ref=divorce

Divorced But Still Involved With Your Ex?

People often have a difficult time moving on with their lives after divorce. Some areas are easier than others. When you are living in separate places, many daily interactions cease. But financial interaction can continue, if there is child support, spousal support, or if you are dealing with assets, such as selling a house. Emotional interaction can continue, either out of habit, or because of continuing to communication about the children or other remaining issues. What many people do not realize is how often people continue to have a sexual relationship with each other after divorce. This is not playing with fire - this is playing with dynamite. Without even getting to possibility of pregnancy, STDs, and the emotional carnage to you and your ex - what do you think this does to the children? They are not stupid. They will know it is happening. Don't put them through this emotional catastrophe. It will confuse and hurt them. It might build up their hopes that the two of you will get back together. Or it could cause them to lose all respect for you. Sit down, think things through, and set new boundaries for your new life.

Kardashian Wedding/Divorce - Big Ole Scam or Sad Story?

Many people are crying foul about the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, saying it was all a publicity stunt. Other are suggesting that it is just the latest in a string of reality star divorces. Does having your relationship in full public eye too much pressure for some couples? Is Kim crying her eyes out or laughing all the way to the bank? Why do we care?