Is Monogamy A Bad Idea?

Are men genetically doomed to cheat? Since most men cheat anyway, should the very concept of monogamy be scrapped?

A new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love & The Reality of Cheating, by Eric Winchester, calls monogamy a "socially compelled sexual incarceration" that leaves men angry throughout their lives. He surveyed 120 men, straight and gay, 78% of whom admitted to cheating on their partners. But the funny thing was, these men did not want their partners to cheat on them.

Winchester states that adultery has nothing to do with love, but just means the person wants to have sex with another person, and as such, should not be condemned. He says he is not advocating cheating, but that he is advocating "open and equitable sexual relationships."

He suggests it is not the sexual act of cheating that causes divorce, but being required, by society, to lie about it and cover it up that causes divorce. Is monogamy an outdated notion? Or, for that matter, is marriage? And what about the children who are the product of these various relationships?

For more information, read http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-men-need-to-cheat_b_1170015.html.

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish Divorcing People Knew

I am sharing with you a great article written by Kelly DeVere-Rodgers, a St. Louis relationship counselor and coach:

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish
Divorcing People Knew

Realistically, there are many areas of discussion in regards to couples divorcing. Below are five topics that are important for couples to know.

1. The cost and length of divorce litigation is directly proportionate to the emotions of the parties. Do not make an emotionally charged decision to divorce and seek counseling first.

To mention that emotions are at an all time high during a separation and divorce is an understatement! Even if you don’t think there’s hope for the marriage, individual counseling can help you realize what went wrong, how to cope with current emotions for yourself and children (if applicable), and create an action plan to pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t wait for your spouse to participate! This is something you should choose to do for your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And remember, you do not need to make a decision today to divorce!

2. The grass seems greener on the other side. This is your wake up call… REALITY!

In most instances when an affair is currently taking place and one partner wants the divorce, the emotions are extremely chaotic and that individual usually wants out of the marriage immediately to pursue this new interest and “euphoric lust” they are feeling for the other person. Give it time! Those “in love” lustful feelings will fade and you will also be able to see the flaws and irritants just as you have with your current spouse. Welcome to reality!!!

Usually, the affair is just what it is and the relationship will end as quickly as it began. Or, you marry and find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship where the divorce rate is around 65%. Then come the heavy feelings of guilt and regret and most start realizing that what they had previously was not as horrible as once believed.

3. A marriage cannot survive infidelity so we must divorce… Or can it?

The majority of couples in which I counsel (90% or higher), unfortunately, seek out counseling when the marriage is in total crisis (i.e. infidelity, separation, one partner has considered divorce and spoken to an attorney or already filed). Relationships where infidelity has taken place and both parties are dedicated to the marriage, actually, have a more loving, abundant, committed relationship than before! Is it hard work on both parties? Extremely grueling! However, most couples agree they are happier choosing the marriage over divorce.

4. Beyond any other consideration, the children come first.
Children need a supportive environment to deal with separation and/or divorce. More often than not, children are placed in the middle of divorces and should never suffer needlessly due to your decision to divorce your spouse.

Once you’ve decided to divorce, try to speak to your children together and show them a united front so that they can see that, although you and your spouse cannot live together any longer, they still have a mother and father who love and care for them and can work together in their best interests. Below is a list of “DO NOT’S” to protect your children from further insurmountable stress:
a. Do not use the children as pawns.
b. Do not enlist your children as couriers or messengers.
c. Do not act out in the presence of the children.
d. Do not bad mouth your spouse to the children or discuss your spousal disputes.
e. Lastly, do not interrogate the children about your spouse.

5. Divorce should be the last option! But, if decided, negotiating is better for everyone.

The outcome of divorce is much better for everyone if a settlement can be reached out of court which requires negotiation that is part skill and part art. If your lawyer is negotiating for you, let your lawyer do so. A professional in family law practice has the experience in these matters that can help you achieve your goals. Just be clear in expressing beforehand what it is that you want and what solutions would be most workable for you.

Kelly C. DeVere-Rodgers, MA, LPC, NCC
Relationship Counselor and Coach
301 Sovereign Court, Suite #211
St. Louis, MO 63011
(314) 267-5594 office
kelly@kellydevere.com
kellydevere@gmail.com
www.kellydevere.com

Stop Marrying the Wrong People

They say even a blind hog can find an acorn now and then. So why can't some people ever find good spouses to spend their lives with? Why is it that so many people who are very good at many other things, are lousy at choosing the people they marry?

In my years as a divorce lawyer, I have noticed that the people who are "hopeless romantics" tend to fall in and out of love (and divorce court). On the other hand, the people whose relationships would never be fodder for a romance novel often get married once and stay married to that same person for the rest of their lives.

So how do you make sure you have a marriage that lasts? Simple. Treat it like buying a house. Have a thorough inspection. This means going for marriage counseling and thoroughly exploring your compatibility and the reasons both of you want to get married. If the proposed relationship passes this inspection, then go for it - and then you can enjoy the romance part without worries.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/after-two-divorces-ill-ne_b_1033704.html?ref=divorce

Four Of The Worst Reasons To Get Married

Anyone who has gone through divorce has tried to figure out why they married the person. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them, and noone wants to go through divorce repeatedly. To make your introspection easier, here are four of the worst reasons to get married: One reason is convenience. Although you are not unabashedly in love, the two of you get along, and some of your friends have certainly done worse. If you have been hurt before, you might not trust love, or you might want to protect your heart, so marrying someone who is a comfortable friend may seem safe. A second reason is if you have had your heart broken before, you might feel you will never again love anyone that much, so as long as the person is nice and compatible, it does not matter much whom you marry. A third reason is you think the other person will change after you marry. Sure, they may be immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy - but once you marry, everything will be better, right? That, my friend, only works in fairy tales. And the fourth reason is low self-esteem or insecurity. If you do not have a strong, healthy self-image, you are at risk for settling for someone who is not a good marriage partner for you, just because you don't know if someone better will come along. If any of these sound familiar, work with a good counselor, therapist or life coach to help ensure you don't make the same mistake again.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joelle-caputa/women-married-and-divorce_b_1077195.html

Is Divorce Contagious?

Have you ever noticed that when someone gets a divorce, one of their friends often gets a divorce soon thereafter? Or that divorce seems to run through families - that once the first person gets a divorce, then there is a string of divorces? Is this factual, or is it your imagination? According to a recent study on the subject, it is true. In the study, a person with a friend who has divorced is 147% more likely to get a divorce, and a person with a divorced sibling is 22% more likely to get a divorce. Apparently, noone wants to be the first or only one in their social group to get a divorce. There is still a certain stigma about being divorced. So how do you avoid "catching the divorce bug"? Be aware that when someone close to you gets divorced, it may change the way you think about divorce. If you are having problems in your marriage, work harder on them before throwing in the towel just because your friend did. Source: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/HealthyLiving/divorce-contagious/story?id=11198347#.TrLAXHKUyIw

Kardashian Wedding/Divorce - Big Ole Scam or Sad Story?

Many people are crying foul about the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, saying it was all a publicity stunt. Other are suggesting that it is just the latest in a string of reality star divorces. Does having your relationship in full public eye too much pressure for some couples? Is Kim crying her eyes out or laughing all the way to the bank? Why do we care?

How To Protect Your Finances When Leaving Abusive Marriage

First of all - if you are in an abusive relationship - get professional help to get out. Get yourself and your children safe. Those things are more important than the money. Money can be replaced. But, when you have addressed the safety issues, you must also be practical and take care of the financial side. There are several things you can do to protect your finances when leaving an abusive relationship. Get a P.O. box and a new email address. Change all your passwords and PIN codes. Close or take your name off of joint accounts, if possible. Make a copy of all important papers and keep them somewhere safe outside of the home. And again, keep yourself and your children safe.

Bet You Didn't Know This About Your Divorce Lawyer

Shh! Don't tell anyone, but your divorce lawyer is secretly a hopeless romantic. Unlike the image often portrayed of divorce lawyers on television and in the movies, many divorce lawyers are not cynical, bitter, dried-up prunes who revel in breaking up families. We cry at weddings, and truly hope the couple will be happy. We get excited when our friends and relatives celebrate anniversaries. We turn to mush when a new life is brought into the world. So how can we stand being divorce lawyers? Because, despite the high stress levels, the false perceptions of us and some clients being unappreciative, we just can't stand to see people being miserable. When we see people who are being abused, children who are being neglected or raised in a war zone of their parents fighting, we want to help them get to a better place where they can be happy again. And that requires belief in "Happily Ever After."

Beware Of Wife Shoppers When You Start Dating After Divorce

It seems there is a certain type of man out there - usually over age 40, successful in his career, and now wanting to get married and BAM! start popping out children. Since divorce rates are already high, do you think it is a good idea to get involved with someone who is going to rush you into getting married quickly and turning your body into a baby carriage immediately? So how do you know if the guy you are dating is one of these guys? Does he try to rush you toward commitment? Does he ask you about your plans to have children? Does he interrogate you about your financial condition and the health of your family members? Does he do any of these things before the appetizers arrive on the first date? Hmmm. If you think your guy might be one of these wife shoppers, read more here.

Divorce Rates by State - How Does Your State Rank?

Divorce rates tend to vary by the part of the country in which you live. There tend to be higher divorce rates in the South, but then, there are higher marriage rates in the South. More people getting married, more people getting divorced. The Northeast tends to have lower marriage rates and lower divorce rates. Again, simple math. Alaska and Maine, however, have high divorce rates, so there are exceptions to the general rule. How does your state rank? Find out here.

Top 5 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

Are you worried that you and your dearly beloved are headed to divorce court? If you are seeing any of the following things, don't ignore it. 1) Facebook messaging with an old lover (sneaking around); 2) Weight gain over 20% (giving up); 3) Sexy new underwear (duh); 4) Slacking on chores (don't care any more); 5) Writing down all costs (getting their ducks in a row). For more information on the Top 5 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble, read this article.

Yes, Sex Life Can Predict Divorce, But With A Twist

You would think the frequency of sex and intimacy would be an important factor, but this study shows, surprisingly, it is not. Satisfaction with sex and intimacy was a much better predictor of whether the couple would divorce than frequency. For men, sexual satisfaction decreased the likelihood of divorce by about 83%, and was the single most important factor in predicting divorce. For women, satisfaction was important, but no more so than satisfaction with the overage quality of the marriage. The funny thing is, couples don't have to be on the same page with this. In other words, a couple can wildly disagree on their level of satisfaction with the sex and intimacy in the marriage, and that disagreement does not make them any more likely to divorce than a couple who agree on the levels of satisfaction.

Read This Before You Sign That Pre-Nup

Alright, you're in love. We're all happy for you. And your dearly beloved sticks a 50 page document under your nose a few days before you are set to waltz down the aisle. Do you think, "We're in love. Our marriage will last. Since we are never going to divorce, what difference does it make if I sign this silly paper?" Not so fast, girlfriend or loverboy. Read this article on the 6 things you need to know about pre-nups. And don't you even think of signing the document without reading this article first.

How To Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband

This book, How To Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband, applies equally to both genders - future ex-wives and future ex-husbands. It explains why we make the bad choices we do sometimes when choosing spouses. We rationalize their behavior, when down deep, we know there is a problem. Before you get married, read this book.

Is Marriage Obsolete?

Some people say that divorce rates have stopped rising. This may be true, but to get to the true picture of what is going on, we need to look at the state of relationships today. Many people in their 20s and 30s are just not getting married. If you don't get married, then you don't have to go through divorce. Perhaps they saw their parents go through an ugly divorce - perhaps they were put in the middle of that divorce. They may have sworn they would never do that to their child, and that they would never go through a contentious divorce, so they just never got married. If you look around at your friends and family, what do you see? How many people are in long-term stable "family relationships" - whether that means being married or living together? How does this compared with 10, 20, 30 years ago in your circle of friends and family?