The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish Divorcing People Knew

I am sharing with you a great article written by Kelly DeVere-Rodgers, a St. Louis relationship counselor and coach:

The Top 5 Things Marriage Counselors Wish
Divorcing People Knew

Realistically, there are many areas of discussion in regards to couples divorcing. Below are five topics that are important for couples to know.

1. The cost and length of divorce litigation is directly proportionate to the emotions of the parties. Do not make an emotionally charged decision to divorce and seek counseling first.

To mention that emotions are at an all time high during a separation and divorce is an understatement! Even if you don’t think there’s hope for the marriage, individual counseling can help you realize what went wrong, how to cope with current emotions for yourself and children (if applicable), and create an action plan to pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t wait for your spouse to participate! This is something you should choose to do for your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And remember, you do not need to make a decision today to divorce!

2. The grass seems greener on the other side. This is your wake up call… REALITY!

In most instances when an affair is currently taking place and one partner wants the divorce, the emotions are extremely chaotic and that individual usually wants out of the marriage immediately to pursue this new interest and “euphoric lust” they are feeling for the other person. Give it time! Those “in love” lustful feelings will fade and you will also be able to see the flaws and irritants just as you have with your current spouse. Welcome to reality!!!

Usually, the affair is just what it is and the relationship will end as quickly as it began. Or, you marry and find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship where the divorce rate is around 65%. Then come the heavy feelings of guilt and regret and most start realizing that what they had previously was not as horrible as once believed.

3. A marriage cannot survive infidelity so we must divorce… Or can it?

The majority of couples in which I counsel (90% or higher), unfortunately, seek out counseling when the marriage is in total crisis (i.e. infidelity, separation, one partner has considered divorce and spoken to an attorney or already filed). Relationships where infidelity has taken place and both parties are dedicated to the marriage, actually, have a more loving, abundant, committed relationship than before! Is it hard work on both parties? Extremely grueling! However, most couples agree they are happier choosing the marriage over divorce.

4. Beyond any other consideration, the children come first.
Children need a supportive environment to deal with separation and/or divorce. More often than not, children are placed in the middle of divorces and should never suffer needlessly due to your decision to divorce your spouse.

Once you’ve decided to divorce, try to speak to your children together and show them a united front so that they can see that, although you and your spouse cannot live together any longer, they still have a mother and father who love and care for them and can work together in their best interests. Below is a list of “DO NOT’S” to protect your children from further insurmountable stress:
a. Do not use the children as pawns.
b. Do not enlist your children as couriers or messengers.
c. Do not act out in the presence of the children.
d. Do not bad mouth your spouse to the children or discuss your spousal disputes.
e. Lastly, do not interrogate the children about your spouse.

5. Divorce should be the last option! But, if decided, negotiating is better for everyone.

The outcome of divorce is much better for everyone if a settlement can be reached out of court which requires negotiation that is part skill and part art. If your lawyer is negotiating for you, let your lawyer do so. A professional in family law practice has the experience in these matters that can help you achieve your goals. Just be clear in expressing beforehand what it is that you want and what solutions would be most workable for you.

Kelly C. DeVere-Rodgers, MA, LPC, NCC
Relationship Counselor and Coach
301 Sovereign Court, Suite #211
St. Louis, MO 63011
(314) 267-5594 office
kelly@kellydevere.com
kellydevere@gmail.com
www.kellydevere.com

Stop Marrying the Wrong People

They say even a blind hog can find an acorn now and then. So why can't some people ever find good spouses to spend their lives with? Why is it that so many people who are very good at many other things, are lousy at choosing the people they marry?

In my years as a divorce lawyer, I have noticed that the people who are "hopeless romantics" tend to fall in and out of love (and divorce court). On the other hand, the people whose relationships would never be fodder for a romance novel often get married once and stay married to that same person for the rest of their lives.

So how do you make sure you have a marriage that lasts? Simple. Treat it like buying a house. Have a thorough inspection. This means going for marriage counseling and thoroughly exploring your compatibility and the reasons both of you want to get married. If the proposed relationship passes this inspection, then go for it - and then you can enjoy the romance part without worries.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/after-two-divorces-ill-ne_b_1033704.html?ref=divorce

Four Of The Worst Reasons To Get Married

Anyone who has gone through divorce has tried to figure out why they married the person. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them, and noone wants to go through divorce repeatedly. To make your introspection easier, here are four of the worst reasons to get married: One reason is convenience. Although you are not unabashedly in love, the two of you get along, and some of your friends have certainly done worse. If you have been hurt before, you might not trust love, or you might want to protect your heart, so marrying someone who is a comfortable friend may seem safe. A second reason is if you have had your heart broken before, you might feel you will never again love anyone that much, so as long as the person is nice and compatible, it does not matter much whom you marry. A third reason is you think the other person will change after you marry. Sure, they may be immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy - but once you marry, everything will be better, right? That, my friend, only works in fairy tales. And the fourth reason is low self-esteem or insecurity. If you do not have a strong, healthy self-image, you are at risk for settling for someone who is not a good marriage partner for you, just because you don't know if someone better will come along. If any of these sound familiar, work with a good counselor, therapist or life coach to help ensure you don't make the same mistake again.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joelle-caputa/women-married-and-divorce_b_1077195.html