Keep Your Divorce From Ruining Childhood For Your Kids

People used to assume that children of divorced parents were automatically damaged. Now the research shows this is not true. In fact, if parents handle the divorce in a thoughtful, loving way with focus on the best interests of their children, the children can actually grow up more well-adjusted and happy than children whose parents stayed married but lived in conflict.

When children look back, years later, on the feelings they experienced when their parents were divorcing, they express four common problems. One, the loss of relationship with their fathers; two, ongoing parental conflict; three, loss of control over their own lives; and four, lack of communication with their parents before and during the divorce.

The first three on the list are self-explanatory. Be aware of those issues and try to spare your child from having those experiences. The fourth issue, communication, needs some discussion.

When children are not talked to before the divorce is filed, and are not given an opportunity to ask questions about the divorce, they will develop anxiety and a sense of helplessness. Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you would feel if, when you were a child, your parents blindsided you with the news one day that they had filed for divorce. You would have a hard time trusting them in the future, and you would be worried about what else they would drop on you without warning in the future. So how do you communicate appropriately with your children about your divorce, without saying the wrong things or too much?

Talk calmly to them before filing. Don't go into blame games or into unnecessary details. The level of detail will depend upon the child's age and emotional maturity. Explain how the divorce will impact their lives. They need to know where they will be living, where they will be going to school and what their schedule will be. Wouldn't you want to know these things? Consider their feelings and opinions before you nail down the details of the divorce, especially the parenting time or child custody schedule. If your parenting schedule would cause your child to have to drop out of an activity or get up at 4:00 am, rethink and rework the schedule. This sounds complicated, but it isn't. Simply treat your children the way you would want to be treated.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-nowinski-phd/helping-children-survive-_5_b_1082850.html?ref=divorce